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Note: The letter below was written to the sister of my abuser. I wrote it because I needed to write it for my own integrity. Whether she reads it or not is of little consequence, unless she is, indeed, still my friend and wishes to reply, which I would welcome. My aim in posting is two fold: 1. There is personal healing in this for myself and 2. It is my hope that there may be something in this letter for my readers. Your comments are welcome - at the end of the post or privately, by email. Names in this post are changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. Dear Rowen,
Long time no see – I hope you and family are well. I now fully understand why Kerri did what she did (ended up doing my thesis on this) – but I am not sure about you and wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt and check in with you. I once truly believed that you were my dear friend and trusted sister. Friends tell me I should dump both those beliefs now, but I recognize that I honestly do not know where you stand. . . never ever in my life have I had friendships (or lovers, or anyone for that matter) with whom I was unable to remain friends. It is not my nature to cut people off – in fact, I find it heart breaking and deeply disturbing to have to do so. SO. . . I wanted to take a try at connecting with you – and ask you a question or two in the hopes that you might reply, and in the further hopes that you are still who I thought you were. . . a kind and compassionate human, friend, sister. What I would like to know is why you did what you did . . . Did I ever say or do something to you to warrant the treatment you gave me? If so, whatever I did is a mystery to me and I would love to amend it. I never ever meant to do anything to upset you. As mentioned, I had counted you among my dear people and thought you felt the same. That doesn’t just go away. And what of Pat and Tim? Were/are they innocent bystanders that week in your home (or months, or years), or were they part of the awful thing? I had so wished that Kerri and I would do as we (well, obviously NOT “we” – it was always only I, oblivious fool that I was) had worked so hard to do: remain friends through our break up. I had imagined my home being a hang out place for her forever, imagined us introducing each other to our new people one day, hanging out, you and Tim and Pat being in my life as buddies, us continuing to be doggie watchers for each other when needed too (I miss that Tula!!). I had imagined keeping Kerri in my will as a statement of what we meant to each other, offering her time at my cabin with whomever she moved on to, laughing together about old times. I thought our families would remain friends. (Yes, we might both need a time apart to assimilate the new dynamics, but we - or so I thought - worked SO HARD to set it up so we could keep the friendship. She had sobbed and sobbed and begged that she not loose me as a friend. And so I went the extra mile to make this possible. . . Now, of course, seeing the truth about her, I wish I had dumped her in the first few months of our relationship when I had the first inkling of who she really was, and before I stupidly “turned off” my intuition around her. But that is another story (found elsewhere on this site). Kerri came home from her therapy sessions all jazzed up when Carla told her she was “so proud of” her/us for the work we were doing on our “conscious uncoupling”. I was proud of Kerri too, as I knew it was a stretch for her to be that emotionally aware and present. (Little did I know she had other intentions throughout our entire relationship…looking back I can see it all clear as day, but from within the relationship I was totally snowed.) Obviously, Kerri had no clue as to what “conscious uncoupling” really was/is (at one point I think she mentioned something about thinking it was about a bunch of “rules” – which is not the case, certainly not MY case, and very much her own projection as she lives by so many binding rules herself)… Anyway, now knowing what was actually underneath everything, I cannot fault Kerri for how her past set her up to be what she is, though I do hold her accountable for her actions and hope (but am not holding my breath) that she may – for both our sakes (and the sake of any of her future partners) – find her way to some self realization, a desire to heal and, if she can grow enough, to have the courage to communicate and make amends. My prayer is for her healing (I made a large painting of her in healing process), and that I not see her until such time as she might be ready to communicate as a healed adult. (Again, not holding my breath, but still wishing and intending this for her.) But the point of this letter is not Kerri at all. I woke the other day, remembering long conversations you and I had had at the big table at my house, in your various kitchens, on walks. . . thought about the ways we had supported each other, been present as friends and sisters. . . and I realized that the last time I reached out to you had been in the days directly following the horror of realizing that Kerri was not who I had though she was for the past 7 years – it was an insanely traumatic time for me. Not for the loss of Kerri as a girl friend – for we had been planning that – and not even for the loss of her to a child my daughter’s age – for honestly, that is about the emotional age of Kerri and it makes sense to me. The horror and loss was the fact that the person I had most trusted in the world – had given my everything to – had seemingly turned into the exact opposite of everything I had thought she was. What wounded Kerri so deeply and made her what she is (her irreversible childhood wounds), had utterly unearthed my sense of the world. That anyone could do what she did was counter to everything I believed about human life on earth. (Honesty, chivalry, kindness, compassion, friendship, etc. – you name any of the things she spends so much time professing to be all about – and every single one of them was GONE.) So, yeah, when I wrote you to say “Kerri was not telling the truth” (you had sworn that she was being and would be honest with me) I fully thought you would write back or call me immediately – and be horrified yourself by all this. When you did not, I could only conclude that you must have been in on the Machiavellian gas lighting as well. . . It is difficult to imagine otherwise at this point – but this morning I realized that I wanted to give you a chance that I was not able to give you back then when I was so utterly decimated. I am well now, loving my life, and cleaning up loose ends. You were a person I cared deeply about. Your sister did some unimaginable things to me (and also to each of her ex partners – and will, sadly, do the same to current/future ones as it is part of her affliction to do so, but that is another chapter all together!), which you may not have a clue about… Truthfully, you, too, deeply hurt me – BUT – perhaps you also were only a pawn under Kerri’s spell? If this is true, if you were unaware of what was taking place, and thus to some degree innocent of it all, I want to let you know that I would love to clean this up between us, and still care about you as a person and possibly friend. I imagine that your views on life are such that you will not want to actively remain friends with me (whether some kind of loyalty to your sister, or some belief that break ups mean everyone in the family breaks off too - - ?), but these are not my views. IF you wished to remain friends, I would love that. If you cannot, but would like to clear up what took place back in October, I would deeply appreciate that. I am all about clearing up glitches so that all involved may go on freely, whether we maintain contact or never see each other again. My guess is Kerri cannot face what she has done (I believe this inability is part of the affliction that made her do what she did in the first place, an affliction that sadly, has very little chance of being healed), but I do not know what is true for/about you. My hope is that you can – and will – want to clear things with me. I am not expecting any reply, so please do not feel any obligation unless you are moved to respond. I just needed to give this a shot because I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt until they prove or chose otherwise. Here is wising you, Tim and Pat health and well being on every level. Warmly, M.
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