Menu
Hi Erica, You were the couples therapist my ex and I saw many years ago, and I reached out to you a time ago when I was reeling from the break up. Now a good time later, I have come to understand what actually took place and wanted to update you, both for my own sanity and in case this information may be of use to you (I know it may not - take what serves, leave what does not.) I had two choices from the place I was in at the start of my final semester in my MDiv program - one was to drop out (I was drowning) and the other became to change my entire thesis and make it about what I was going through and had finally realized about my ex and our relationship. She was not, as you had hoped, just a scared person who lied to cover her fear of hurting me; that would have been a very lovely story - and one much easier to come to terms with. In fact, it turned out that she has a severe and frightening disorder, and I had been - for 7 years - the victim of a very particular and horrible type of abuse. The point for me, of course, has been to use what I have learned (through hundreds of hours of research, study, interviews and more - under the amazing supervision of several of my fabulous professors and assistance from my spiritual director and psychotherapist) to examine more deeply my own psyche, why I was chosen by - and remained with - an abuser of this sort for 7 years. The arrows, of course and as you know, point back in time and the work for me has been deep and intense. Having the intellectual learning as a guide rail to keep me afloat as I simultaneously did my own psychological journey was a gift many survivors do not have the luxury of. (I am eternally grateful to my professors/supervisors/therapists etc. for their willingness to allow me the thesis switch at the last minute when I had planned for three years on an entirely different project.) Sadly (and strangely), the majority of psychotherapists are NOT trained to recognize abuse of this type - I saw three, including yourself, who did not catch wind of what I was actually dealing with - and so most of the assistance to survivors who are lucky enough to find it comes from others who have been through the abuse themselves, found their way to the new glut of information out there (internet, books, etc), and educated themselves in the thing. The amount of time it takes to learn all of this is immense, and thus many who have done so go on to become counselors of one sort or another in order to make use of their knowledge and experience for the healing of others. Many, many survivors are misdiagnosed by well meaning therapists who have little to no training or experience with the disorder or it's effects on survivors. This is terribly sad. My hope is that the many who are now sharing on the topic will inspire more counselors/therapists to do some research and/or study on the subject. My ex not only abused me, but also her other partners (while I am sad for them about this, I am infinitely grateful to have had access to this knowledge, because ultimately it helped me through the phase in which I wanted to pretend it was not true); I happen to know each of them and something of their stories as well - both those which my partner lead me to believe about each of the women, AND the women's versions. One of her ex's actually warned me - she blurted out the truth decades ago (long before I was interested in my ex), and told me "she will do the exact same thing to you!" I was - as everyone who has not been abused by one of these folks is - oblivious (and, like so many people are by these types) snowed by my ex's presence and charm. I do not fault you for being one of those, however, I want to share this with you and implore you to be super aware as you proceed in your work. All is not as it seems. While statistically the majority of folks with my ex's disorder are men, there are also women perpetrators (or perhaps fewer abused men come forward in these cases so women have not been counted). These perpetrators are all but invisible to most people until you learn to spot the dynamics - and have a chance to see them in action, which is rare, as part of the disorder is focused on maintaining an impeccable image of themselves. In fact, lawyers are taught specific ways of questioning these folks in a court room so as to circumvent their ability to appear to be the "sane" one while their partner appears to be "the problem". (I'll not go into this here.) One of the most difficult aspects of overcoming the depth of harm done to survivors, is that there is no short way of answering the question "what did they DO?" so survivors are more isolated from friends and family than those who can say "He raped me" or "she hit me with a baseball bat" and thus be understood and find sympathy. What is called for is a 12 hour long conversation in which survivor shares every nuance of the relationship over however many years or decades (I learned at a week long workshop that many, many survivors do not get out of these types of relationships for decades 10,20, 30, 40 years is common!), a description of the psychological make up of the perpetrator, how and why they got that way, the psychological make up of survivor, how and why they got that way etc etc... if an ally is willing to hear all this, at the end they may - may - understand a speck of what the survivor has been through. But for the most part, those who have not been through it cannot fathom it and end up seeing the survivor as "just having a weirdly hard time of the break up". I cannot fault allies for this point of view - in fact I myself held this viewpoint when two dear friends of mine attempted to describe what they had been through to me some years back. I saw them as very hurt, having a particularly hard time getting through their break up, but I did not, even with my empathy and rich training, understand what had truly taken place. TV shows like Dr. Foster, You, and Dirty John (have a look at the trailers) all address abusers of this sort and portray aspects of the disorder very well, but are extreme cases. My abuser was not ever actively violent with me (though I do not doubt her ability to become so - her temper was terrifying and utterly out of her control). What I want to say is: Please, please PLEASE become informed so you might spot this type of abuse should it ever again end up on your couch. I came to you for assistance in breaking up with my ex. The type of therapy you practice is not designed this way, I know - it is designed to facilitate communication and assist couples in seeing themselves - indeed, every relationship is a perfect mirror for what each member needs to look at in their own healing - - however, it is not always best for couples to remain together for this work. After we left you, the relationship lasted 5.5 more years - years of horror couched in beauty. I have, in fact, lost 7.5 years of life to something I will be working to heal from for a time to come. If somehow it had been evident that something much more serious was afoot, I might have gotten out sooner. Maybe not, but likely so. If this note can be even a molecule of an impulse for you to learn more, and thus be available to another person in my situation, I would be glad. The frightening diagnosis - so deeply and intelligently hidden by these abusers - that I would hope you might explore further (no matter how much you may or may not already know) is named in the Links listed on this site. However you do this - if indeed you chose to - hurrah. If you need a place to start, here are some links for books, videos, blogs and vlogs (all designed for survivors - but perhaps that is a good place for a therapist to start): https://unbamboozling.weebly.com/helpful-links.html Thanks for taking the time to read all this. I hope and trust you are well and reasonably happy. Warmly, Maya
0 Comments
Note: The letter below was written to the sister of my abuser. I wrote it because I needed to write it for my own integrity. Whether she reads it or not is of little consequence, unless she is, indeed, still my friend and wishes to reply, which I would welcome. My aim in posting is two fold: 1. There is personal healing in this for myself and 2. It is my hope that there may be something in this letter for my readers. Your comments are welcome - at the end of the post or privately, by email. Names in this post are changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. Dear Rowen,
Long time no see – I hope you and family are well. I now fully understand why Kerri did what she did (ended up doing my thesis on this) – but I am not sure about you and wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt and check in with you. I once truly believed that you were my dear friend and trusted sister. Friends tell me I should dump both those beliefs now, but I recognize that I honestly do not know where you stand. . . never ever in my life have I had friendships (or lovers, or anyone for that matter) with whom I was unable to remain friends. It is not my nature to cut people off – in fact, I find it heart breaking and deeply disturbing to have to do so. SO. . . I wanted to take a try at connecting with you – and ask you a question or two in the hopes that you might reply, and in the further hopes that you are still who I thought you were. . . a kind and compassionate human, friend, sister. What I would like to know is why you did what you did . . . Did I ever say or do something to you to warrant the treatment you gave me? If so, whatever I did is a mystery to me and I would love to amend it. I never ever meant to do anything to upset you. As mentioned, I had counted you among my dear people and thought you felt the same. That doesn’t just go away. And what of Pat and Tim? Were/are they innocent bystanders that week in your home (or months, or years), or were they part of the awful thing? I had so wished that Kerri and I would do as we (well, obviously NOT “we” – it was always only I, oblivious fool that I was) had worked so hard to do: remain friends through our break up. I had imagined my home being a hang out place for her forever, imagined us introducing each other to our new people one day, hanging out, you and Tim and Pat being in my life as buddies, us continuing to be doggie watchers for each other when needed too (I miss that Tula!!). I had imagined keeping Kerri in my will as a statement of what we meant to each other, offering her time at my cabin with whomever she moved on to, laughing together about old times. I thought our families would remain friends. (Yes, we might both need a time apart to assimilate the new dynamics, but we - or so I thought - worked SO HARD to set it up so we could keep the friendship. She had sobbed and sobbed and begged that she not loose me as a friend. And so I went the extra mile to make this possible. . . Now, of course, seeing the truth about her, I wish I had dumped her in the first few months of our relationship when I had the first inkling of who she really was, and before I stupidly “turned off” my intuition around her. But that is another story (found elsewhere on this site). Kerri came home from her therapy sessions all jazzed up when Carla told her she was “so proud of” her/us for the work we were doing on our “conscious uncoupling”. I was proud of Kerri too, as I knew it was a stretch for her to be that emotionally aware and present. (Little did I know she had other intentions throughout our entire relationship…looking back I can see it all clear as day, but from within the relationship I was totally snowed.) Obviously, Kerri had no clue as to what “conscious uncoupling” really was/is (at one point I think she mentioned something about thinking it was about a bunch of “rules” – which is not the case, certainly not MY case, and very much her own projection as she lives by so many binding rules herself)… Anyway, now knowing what was actually underneath everything, I cannot fault Kerri for how her past set her up to be what she is, though I do hold her accountable for her actions and hope (but am not holding my breath) that she may – for both our sakes (and the sake of any of her future partners) – find her way to some self realization, a desire to heal and, if she can grow enough, to have the courage to communicate and make amends. My prayer is for her healing (I made a large painting of her in healing process), and that I not see her until such time as she might be ready to communicate as a healed adult. (Again, not holding my breath, but still wishing and intending this for her.) But the point of this letter is not Kerri at all. I woke the other day, remembering long conversations you and I had had at the big table at my house, in your various kitchens, on walks. . . thought about the ways we had supported each other, been present as friends and sisters. . . and I realized that the last time I reached out to you had been in the days directly following the horror of realizing that Kerri was not who I had though she was for the past 7 years – it was an insanely traumatic time for me. Not for the loss of Kerri as a girl friend – for we had been planning that – and not even for the loss of her to a child my daughter’s age – for honestly, that is about the emotional age of Kerri and it makes sense to me. The horror and loss was the fact that the person I had most trusted in the world – had given my everything to – had seemingly turned into the exact opposite of everything I had thought she was. What wounded Kerri so deeply and made her what she is (her irreversible childhood wounds), had utterly unearthed my sense of the world. That anyone could do what she did was counter to everything I believed about human life on earth. (Honesty, chivalry, kindness, compassion, friendship, etc. – you name any of the things she spends so much time professing to be all about – and every single one of them was GONE.) So, yeah, when I wrote you to say “Kerri was not telling the truth” (you had sworn that she was being and would be honest with me) I fully thought you would write back or call me immediately – and be horrified yourself by all this. When you did not, I could only conclude that you must have been in on the Machiavellian gas lighting as well. . . It is difficult to imagine otherwise at this point – but this morning I realized that I wanted to give you a chance that I was not able to give you back then when I was so utterly decimated. I am well now, loving my life, and cleaning up loose ends. You were a person I cared deeply about. Your sister did some unimaginable things to me (and also to each of her ex partners – and will, sadly, do the same to current/future ones as it is part of her affliction to do so, but that is another chapter all together!), which you may not have a clue about… Truthfully, you, too, deeply hurt me – BUT – perhaps you also were only a pawn under Kerri’s spell? If this is true, if you were unaware of what was taking place, and thus to some degree innocent of it all, I want to let you know that I would love to clean this up between us, and still care about you as a person and possibly friend. I imagine that your views on life are such that you will not want to actively remain friends with me (whether some kind of loyalty to your sister, or some belief that break ups mean everyone in the family breaks off too - - ?), but these are not my views. IF you wished to remain friends, I would love that. If you cannot, but would like to clear up what took place back in October, I would deeply appreciate that. I am all about clearing up glitches so that all involved may go on freely, whether we maintain contact or never see each other again. My guess is Kerri cannot face what she has done (I believe this inability is part of the affliction that made her do what she did in the first place, an affliction that sadly, has very little chance of being healed), but I do not know what is true for/about you. My hope is that you can – and will – want to clear things with me. I am not expecting any reply, so please do not feel any obligation unless you are moved to respond. I just needed to give this a shot because I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt until they prove or chose otherwise. Here is wising you, Tim and Pat health and well being on every level. Warmly, M. |
AuthorI SURVIVED A SERIAL BAMBOOZLER Archives
July 2020
Categories |