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13 stages
Images and Words Portraying Some Experiences Survivors May Recognize
*Artwork and text by Maya Massar on this site ©MayaMassar2019. Contact us for usage permission. Thank you.
13 Stages - In Images and Words
The images below are a series of 13 small pieces that represent my journey through (and in healing from) 7 years of a specific and horrific type of emotional abuse. While a journey such as this is of course different for each soul who must experience it, there are distinct phases of abuse and recovery that most survivors will recognize, though not necessarily in the order below. I share these works as a part of my own healing, and also in the hopes that my path may be of service to others who have navigated, are navigating or shall in the future face this long walk home to well-being. Please note that the timeline for healing varies greatly - while many victims will work through abuse issues for decades (or even a lifetime), some with good support and a rich bag of healing tools may find themselves reasonably functional much sooner. One of the greatest hurdles to healing is how little information and knowledge is available (though this is, thankfully, rapidly changing). The fact that so many therapists do not have experience with this sort of abuse means survivors often have difficulty finding adequate help. Hopefully, some of what you find on this site will be of assistance. (Also see LINKS page)
Feel welcome just to scroll through the images, or if you are curious, read the content as you go.
As mentioned, I have chosen to speak of the abuse without naming it (though it has a name), for what is most relevant to me is the work involved in remaining alive, and of speaking up about what happened to us. While I do think it is important to have words and names that accurately describe what took place, for now, I refer to it simply as “the abuse”, “this type of abuse” or any number of other phrases. Feel welcome to insert the recognized name as you read, if this is of service to you.
You will notice in the descriptions below, that I flip back and forth between using words like “the victim”, “survivors” and “you”. Based on readers notes, it seems that for some of you, reading the word “you” helps to make what has happened to you move from a place of denial to one of ownership – and this is truly an important step in healing. For others, distancing the scenario from self, by use of the term “the victim”, or offering hope with the term “survivor” can allow some breathing room. Feel welcome, again, to insert whichever better serves you.
Again, the "stages" listed below evolved out of many hours of listening, studying, interviews with professionals and survivors, and my personal experience with this type of abuse. HOWEVER, please know that your process may be completely different, somewhat different, or have taken place in a very different order. Most survivors will likely find at least a few things in the writing or images below to which they relate, but this does not necessarily mean it will be so for you. Focusing on your own experience of what happened to you is the single most important thing you can do for your healing.
The Images & Words:
1. Love Bombing
The Art:
The painting is filled with the the rosy hot pink of wild passion, the vibrant orange of sensuality of the second chakra**, golden light of life force, the magic sparks of turquoise representing the new depths of communication you believe you are sharing with your new person. . . shapes surrounding the figure in this painting represent the gifts and pleasures you are experiencing during this phase. But take note. . . there is a slightly shadowy color immediately surrounding the figure, and the dark and knowing indigo-violet light of the 6th chakra, the energy center of Intuition, seems to be siphoned off to a far corner, away from the figure, who watches it – and allows it to – go. . . . There is so much beauty surrounding them that they can focus on; the loss of that one color does no harm, does it?
**If you are unfamiliar with the Chakra System, you may easily find the basics on line. Pages devoted to healing abuse through the chakras will be added to this site soon.
Love Bombing is the name given to very first stage of the relationship. While every new intimate relationship can have aspects of “Love Bombing”, this phase, when taking place as the beginning of abuse, will be extreme. Here, you may find yourself more adored than you ever thought humanly possible; often every word you say is heard, doted upon, remembered; every thing you do and share or wear is cherished like you have never been cherished before. The new person in your life seems more interested in you than anyone has ever been. . . in fact, you find that not only are they interested, but they share almost all of your interests! This person may like the same foods you do, the same colors, furniture, activities. Or they may simply be intensely supportive of you and the things you love.. . at least the things that you include them in.
You will spend an amazing amount of time with this person, and most of the moments will be delightful. This intelligent, charismatic, sweet, attentive, chivalrous, dynamic, kind, generous and often physically beautiful person is sweeping you off your feet. He/she IS the fairy tale prince/princess you always dreamed of. And you are the princess/prince to them – the two of you are the perfect match. Even strangers may comment on this, on how good you look together, how much the love shows. You are feeling more radiant than ever before… almost beyond belief. Is it possible to be this happy? Maybe this is what people mean by “soul mate”? It certainly feels possible. In a true Love Bombing phase, you may literally be bombarded with gestures of love – a bed of flower petals or massages every night, beautiful meals and words and gifts (of whatever sort your new person knows will please you). You may experience an actual boost in your sense of well-being like none other you have experienced before. . . almost like a mood altering drug . . .
What you will not see during this phase, are the many small things – give-away signs – things that in later phases you will come to recall in every detail, the signs that everything was not exactly what it seemed. In fact, things were not at all what they seemed. During the Love Bombing phase you will let these things slide. In later phases, however, you will question how on planet Earth you could have missed these signs. . .
The Love Bombing stage may last anywhere from a brief few days or weeks, to months or several years, depending on a number of factors. This is the stage that the abusive partner seeks you out for - and lives for. This is the stage that supports them in maintaining the (what you will come to understand is an imagined) sense of “self” they cannot be without. As soon as “the honeymoon phase” of the relationship begins to falter (which is a normal and healthy change in any healthy relationship, but to the abuser, this change represents something they cannot tolerate), stage two begins.
The painting is filled with the the rosy hot pink of wild passion, the vibrant orange of sensuality of the second chakra**, golden light of life force, the magic sparks of turquoise representing the new depths of communication you believe you are sharing with your new person. . . shapes surrounding the figure in this painting represent the gifts and pleasures you are experiencing during this phase. But take note. . . there is a slightly shadowy color immediately surrounding the figure, and the dark and knowing indigo-violet light of the 6th chakra, the energy center of Intuition, seems to be siphoned off to a far corner, away from the figure, who watches it – and allows it to – go. . . . There is so much beauty surrounding them that they can focus on; the loss of that one color does no harm, does it?
**If you are unfamiliar with the Chakra System, you may easily find the basics on line. Pages devoted to healing abuse through the chakras will be added to this site soon.
Love Bombing is the name given to very first stage of the relationship. While every new intimate relationship can have aspects of “Love Bombing”, this phase, when taking place as the beginning of abuse, will be extreme. Here, you may find yourself more adored than you ever thought humanly possible; often every word you say is heard, doted upon, remembered; every thing you do and share or wear is cherished like you have never been cherished before. The new person in your life seems more interested in you than anyone has ever been. . . in fact, you find that not only are they interested, but they share almost all of your interests! This person may like the same foods you do, the same colors, furniture, activities. Or they may simply be intensely supportive of you and the things you love.. . at least the things that you include them in.
You will spend an amazing amount of time with this person, and most of the moments will be delightful. This intelligent, charismatic, sweet, attentive, chivalrous, dynamic, kind, generous and often physically beautiful person is sweeping you off your feet. He/she IS the fairy tale prince/princess you always dreamed of. And you are the princess/prince to them – the two of you are the perfect match. Even strangers may comment on this, on how good you look together, how much the love shows. You are feeling more radiant than ever before… almost beyond belief. Is it possible to be this happy? Maybe this is what people mean by “soul mate”? It certainly feels possible. In a true Love Bombing phase, you may literally be bombarded with gestures of love – a bed of flower petals or massages every night, beautiful meals and words and gifts (of whatever sort your new person knows will please you). You may experience an actual boost in your sense of well-being like none other you have experienced before. . . almost like a mood altering drug . . .
What you will not see during this phase, are the many small things – give-away signs – things that in later phases you will come to recall in every detail, the signs that everything was not exactly what it seemed. In fact, things were not at all what they seemed. During the Love Bombing phase you will let these things slide. In later phases, however, you will question how on planet Earth you could have missed these signs. . .
The Love Bombing stage may last anywhere from a brief few days or weeks, to months or several years, depending on a number of factors. This is the stage that the abusive partner seeks you out for - and lives for. This is the stage that supports them in maintaining the (what you will come to understand is an imagined) sense of “self” they cannot be without. As soon as “the honeymoon phase” of the relationship begins to falter (which is a normal and healthy change in any healthy relationship, but to the abuser, this change represents something they cannot tolerate), stage two begins.
2. Slow Destruction/Devaluing
The Art:
The rose light of the Love Bombing phase still surrounds the figure (you), yet the truth of the goings-on are closer, a dark shadow inside of which your delusion exists. In the top right corner, the figure releases the last of their intuition and begins the descent, becoming, over time, less and less able to hold themselves afloat, yet still mystified, confused as to what is actually wrong. . . perhaps there is nothing wrong, it is “just me” somehow off balance. . . . (The indigo representing the intuition can never be completely gone, but for a time, you have put it under ground. . .)
Stage two, “Devaluing”, often the longest and most drawn out portion of the abuse, can last from days or weeks to years and even decades. This is the stage in which the abuser begins – ohhhh so subtly – to devalue you, though it will likely be a very long time before you recognize their behavior as such. You may, during this phase, actually notice that things are somewhat strange, a little “off”, or very, very wrong between you. You may even look back at the Love Bombing phase and think that, perhaps, you noticed some odd behaviors or conversations even back towards the beginning. Once or twice. Maybe.
Possibly your person has begun to slip oddly disparaging remarks into their sentences to you, or has revealed a strangely short-temper now and then. . . or maybe more than now and then. Possibly they have even displayed an amount of anger that you find somewhat disconcerting, even frightening. . . but not so unusual you can’t understand it. . . maybe you repeat to yourself phrases or ideas that allow you to dismiss the fear or concern. . . they did have a horrible experience with their last partner/spouse/lover. . . they did have a horrific childhood, or past, of some sort. . . they do have a terrible boss or group of co-workers, who really don’t understand them at all . . . who wouldn’t have some bottled up rage, right? Poor one; so much for them to be mad about. I will be especially forgiving of them, help them feel better. . .Just love them enough.
And so it is that you begin, with the smallest of steps, to make excuses for this person’s choices, words and behaviors. You may find your friends, coworkers, family, your work itself, or any other thing you have loved or had attachment to, falling under their scrutiny and criticism as well – not, of course (according to the abuser), for any reason other than that they are concerned for you, your well being, your safety. . . they may also begin to tell you what is wrong with you – of course this will be, again, for your own good, because they want the best for you, your healing – criticizing what you believe, or love, or even your heart for being “too loving” of all those things or people who “do not have your best interest at heart”. . . basically, they may take aim at anything that you are drawn to, other than themselves. . . in their attempt to reclaim all of your attention, love, interest etc. Your search for your stability – which will by necessity take your focus off of them - will be perceived by them as a threat. Anything that does not leave them feeling that they are adored, and the most special thing in your world, will cause them intense anxiety, and will likely result in their lashing out, whether overtly or passive aggressively.
Over time, especially if you remain involved for years or decades, you will find your world somehow a shadow of what it once was; you see fewer friends, are less connected to family (perhaps some friend or family member has even voiced out lout “you don’t come by as often” or “you don’t seem yourself anymore”). Even if your life continues with the same job, people, etc. you may find yourself with a hollow feeling, experiencing less meaning in the things you do and relationships you have. Maybe you have begun to question your sense of self, who you are, where you are, what you want. . . oh, of course, you want to be happy, and for your loved one to be happy… what is wrong with you, you may wonder… we both say we love each other, and just the other day they brought me a gift. . . am I nuts?
You may ask friends if you are crazy, you may have even discussed leaving your person. . . and if your friend or family member has said “yeah, maybe you should”, this quite possibly served to help you realize you don’t want to leave after all (you, today, might wish to look up the term “trauma bond/ing”), or, this person may also be under the spell of your beloved – “why on earth would you leave such a wonderful person? They love you! They are kind and chivalrous and honest and and and..” And so, back to them you go. In your mind is the high hope for making things better. In your bones is the ever heavier sinking sensation you cannot understand. Maybe, as they tell you it is, it is just that your physical health is off – after all, you don’t exercise enough, you have gained that extra weight, you aren’t eating the best… or maybe, like they have mentioned, it is the people at work, or the heaviness of your family not understanding you. Maybe you just need a vacation together…
And perhaps you may have tried vacations – and maybe, for a time, they worked – your abuser returns to you, shines again, makes romantic gestures. . . the vacation was great for you both. . . well, except for the moment when they blew up at not getting their way at the airport or surf shop. . . or the time they lay there without speaking to you because you didn’t initiate sex the way they wanted. . . or . . . or . . .
You may have tried therapy, hoping either to mend things or have assistance from the therapist in breaking up with this person, for you feared they would not take it well. . . only to find that the therapist sees what you first saw, and what the abuser wants to be seen as: the shining, articulate, or sweet or loving partner - - to your angry, sobbing or otherwise frustrated self. . . As is often the case in such cases, the therapist was not trained to recognize either the disorder that plagues the abuser, nor the signs and symptoms of a victim/survivor of this insidious type of abuse. All that comes of such therapy sessions is that the victim feels even more like something must be wrong with themselves (since both the therapist and the abuser are telling them so, and they/you – the victim – are a deeply compassionate and introspective person, so it is your nature to try, yet again, to “work on yourself” to make the relationship better….and, to be clear, in a healthy relationship this IS a good M.O…)
An other classic thing many survivors report is birthday trauma; abusers may go to lengths to create a wonderful birthday for you, or may do nothing at all, apologizing lightly for "forgetting", but either way, the day may end up more about them than about you. Survivors report abusers who drum up massive emotional drama, become ill on the day or in some moment that you are being celebrated by other people, or are suddenly in great need in some other manner, turning all your attention to them.
More and more, over time (weeks, months, years, decades) you find yourself feeling unwell, physically and emotionally. Perhaps you are regularly weeping, or find your own temper rising more quickly. You struggle and stress ongoingly as you study yourself, your past, you attend therapy or some other form of counseling assistance, you journal, you do your practice, whatever it may be, but all to no avail. Your abuser seems to become ever further from you, you sense they are not there, even when they are present and tell you, repeatedly that nothing is wrong. But this is not what they say it is – there is something wrong, some part of you knows it – yet you continue to place blame upon yourself, and place your trust in the one you have given your life to, the one you love and who loves you forever and more deeply than anyone ever has or will – or so they continue (from time to time – especially any time you may be thinking of making a change) to tell you.
The rose light of the Love Bombing phase still surrounds the figure (you), yet the truth of the goings-on are closer, a dark shadow inside of which your delusion exists. In the top right corner, the figure releases the last of their intuition and begins the descent, becoming, over time, less and less able to hold themselves afloat, yet still mystified, confused as to what is actually wrong. . . perhaps there is nothing wrong, it is “just me” somehow off balance. . . . (The indigo representing the intuition can never be completely gone, but for a time, you have put it under ground. . .)
Stage two, “Devaluing”, often the longest and most drawn out portion of the abuse, can last from days or weeks to years and even decades. This is the stage in which the abuser begins – ohhhh so subtly – to devalue you, though it will likely be a very long time before you recognize their behavior as such. You may, during this phase, actually notice that things are somewhat strange, a little “off”, or very, very wrong between you. You may even look back at the Love Bombing phase and think that, perhaps, you noticed some odd behaviors or conversations even back towards the beginning. Once or twice. Maybe.
Possibly your person has begun to slip oddly disparaging remarks into their sentences to you, or has revealed a strangely short-temper now and then. . . or maybe more than now and then. Possibly they have even displayed an amount of anger that you find somewhat disconcerting, even frightening. . . but not so unusual you can’t understand it. . . maybe you repeat to yourself phrases or ideas that allow you to dismiss the fear or concern. . . they did have a horrible experience with their last partner/spouse/lover. . . they did have a horrific childhood, or past, of some sort. . . they do have a terrible boss or group of co-workers, who really don’t understand them at all . . . who wouldn’t have some bottled up rage, right? Poor one; so much for them to be mad about. I will be especially forgiving of them, help them feel better. . .Just love them enough.
And so it is that you begin, with the smallest of steps, to make excuses for this person’s choices, words and behaviors. You may find your friends, coworkers, family, your work itself, or any other thing you have loved or had attachment to, falling under their scrutiny and criticism as well – not, of course (according to the abuser), for any reason other than that they are concerned for you, your well being, your safety. . . they may also begin to tell you what is wrong with you – of course this will be, again, for your own good, because they want the best for you, your healing – criticizing what you believe, or love, or even your heart for being “too loving” of all those things or people who “do not have your best interest at heart”. . . basically, they may take aim at anything that you are drawn to, other than themselves. . . in their attempt to reclaim all of your attention, love, interest etc. Your search for your stability – which will by necessity take your focus off of them - will be perceived by them as a threat. Anything that does not leave them feeling that they are adored, and the most special thing in your world, will cause them intense anxiety, and will likely result in their lashing out, whether overtly or passive aggressively.
Over time, especially if you remain involved for years or decades, you will find your world somehow a shadow of what it once was; you see fewer friends, are less connected to family (perhaps some friend or family member has even voiced out lout “you don’t come by as often” or “you don’t seem yourself anymore”). Even if your life continues with the same job, people, etc. you may find yourself with a hollow feeling, experiencing less meaning in the things you do and relationships you have. Maybe you have begun to question your sense of self, who you are, where you are, what you want. . . oh, of course, you want to be happy, and for your loved one to be happy… what is wrong with you, you may wonder… we both say we love each other, and just the other day they brought me a gift. . . am I nuts?
You may ask friends if you are crazy, you may have even discussed leaving your person. . . and if your friend or family member has said “yeah, maybe you should”, this quite possibly served to help you realize you don’t want to leave after all (you, today, might wish to look up the term “trauma bond/ing”), or, this person may also be under the spell of your beloved – “why on earth would you leave such a wonderful person? They love you! They are kind and chivalrous and honest and and and..” And so, back to them you go. In your mind is the high hope for making things better. In your bones is the ever heavier sinking sensation you cannot understand. Maybe, as they tell you it is, it is just that your physical health is off – after all, you don’t exercise enough, you have gained that extra weight, you aren’t eating the best… or maybe, like they have mentioned, it is the people at work, or the heaviness of your family not understanding you. Maybe you just need a vacation together…
And perhaps you may have tried vacations – and maybe, for a time, they worked – your abuser returns to you, shines again, makes romantic gestures. . . the vacation was great for you both. . . well, except for the moment when they blew up at not getting their way at the airport or surf shop. . . or the time they lay there without speaking to you because you didn’t initiate sex the way they wanted. . . or . . . or . . .
You may have tried therapy, hoping either to mend things or have assistance from the therapist in breaking up with this person, for you feared they would not take it well. . . only to find that the therapist sees what you first saw, and what the abuser wants to be seen as: the shining, articulate, or sweet or loving partner - - to your angry, sobbing or otherwise frustrated self. . . As is often the case in such cases, the therapist was not trained to recognize either the disorder that plagues the abuser, nor the signs and symptoms of a victim/survivor of this insidious type of abuse. All that comes of such therapy sessions is that the victim feels even more like something must be wrong with themselves (since both the therapist and the abuser are telling them so, and they/you – the victim – are a deeply compassionate and introspective person, so it is your nature to try, yet again, to “work on yourself” to make the relationship better….and, to be clear, in a healthy relationship this IS a good M.O…)
An other classic thing many survivors report is birthday trauma; abusers may go to lengths to create a wonderful birthday for you, or may do nothing at all, apologizing lightly for "forgetting", but either way, the day may end up more about them than about you. Survivors report abusers who drum up massive emotional drama, become ill on the day or in some moment that you are being celebrated by other people, or are suddenly in great need in some other manner, turning all your attention to them.
More and more, over time (weeks, months, years, decades) you find yourself feeling unwell, physically and emotionally. Perhaps you are regularly weeping, or find your own temper rising more quickly. You struggle and stress ongoingly as you study yourself, your past, you attend therapy or some other form of counseling assistance, you journal, you do your practice, whatever it may be, but all to no avail. Your abuser seems to become ever further from you, you sense they are not there, even when they are present and tell you, repeatedly that nothing is wrong. But this is not what they say it is – there is something wrong, some part of you knows it – yet you continue to place blame upon yourself, and place your trust in the one you have given your life to, the one you love and who loves you forever and more deeply than anyone ever has or will – or so they continue (from time to time – especially any time you may be thinking of making a change) to tell you.
3. Gas lighting, New Supply and Flying Monkeys
The Art:
The world has gone grey; nothing said makes sense, every aspect of life seems clouded, bewildering. The body aches but for no visible reason. The heart pounds in a gloom that has no name. The self, split in pieces, feels pressed to the ground as it struggles with all it's might against an invisible enemy.
The light rose behind the grey represents what remains of the truth; that the victim has no guilt in any of this, a fact they will not come to understand for some time (this is not due to any lack of sanity or intelligence – it is due to the diabolical nature of what has been done to you) .
Here, in the title of this piece, you will find three terms you will come to know intimately. However, during this phase, they are likely still a mystery to you, in fact it is probable that they are words you have no involvement with whatsoever. (OK, yes, you will recall there was an old movie in which the term “gas lighting” was a thing, but. . .?)
In this phase of the abuse, your abuser will be acting out in full-time, full-on (and, sadly and horribly, long plotted) distortion of truth, to your face, behind your back and to those around them, regarding the nature of your relationship. You, however, will still – at least for the most part - be in the dark. Because no part of you could ever fathom that an other human being (especially this wonderful one you have given 110% of your trust to) would or even could do the things you will, (in a later phase), come to see that the abuser has been doing since the beginning, you will be feeling worse than you ever have in your life. You may beg the abuser to speak to you, to share what is wrong. You may even, apologetically, ask if there is someone else they are interested in. They will likely contend that nothing is wrong, even going so far as to, say, place their hands on your shoulders, look deeply into your eyes, and swear that they still love you and there is nothing wrong, no one else. . . They may suggest there is something wrong with you, but will be sharing little to nothing about themselves. They may be obviously distracted, or even not speaking to you, except now and then, to appease your sobbing self, or furious outbursts. . . to which they respond with more silence, some disdainful looks or words, which you are likely to take to heart, seeing yourself as the monster or mess that everyone around you can now clearly see you are. And the poor, quiet, abuser goes about their business, bearing this horrible person you have become. . .
You may even go so far as to ask a mutual friend or family member, in confidence (for this person is your friend, your confidant, someone close to you) if they know anything about what your abuser is going through, or whether they might be unable to share an affair or some such thing… this confidant, unbeknownst to you, may be one of the abuser’s Flying Monkeys (a term taken from the Wizard of Oz’s portrayal of the arch villain’s helpers – those who are enthralled with her power and do her bidding – referring in the case of this type of abuse to those people around the abuser who have been enlisted to assist the abuser in Gas lighting you), and you will hear from this person too that “there is nothing wrong. [so and so] would tell you if there were, I am sure.” But you will feel strange. Confused.
Wikipedia defines “Gas lighting”: Gas lighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.
By this point in the relationship, you are confused more of the time than not. What you will come to learn eventually, is that while your mind is hearing the words spoken to you and believing them, and while your kind heart is continuing to pour out love toward your poor person who must be in some wretched kind of pain in order to be so inaccessible (because an empathic person – any healthy person, really – has no reason to believe that a person they love and who loves them would ever do them harm – that simply is not, at least conceptually, what love IS), your BODY and your higher intuition KNOW THE TRUTH. And so, you are – and likely have been for months, years or decades – living with an intense level of cognitive/somatic dissonance. That is, aspects of yourself are perceiving two opposing realities, causing horrible mental, emotional and often physical discomfort and destabilization within you.
While you are experiencing all this, the abuser is also doing what their warped and maladapted psyche knows how to do in order to, in their mind, survive; they have moved on (likely weeks, months or years ago) to new “Supply”. “Supply” is the term given to whomever the abuser has chosen as their current “fix”, the person to whom they are seeking to attach, and from whom they must receive validation in the form of adoration. Incapable of accessing any self-reference (for, due to the particular psychological petri dish in which this person was parented, no Self was actually able to form. More on this further on; suffice it to say for now that this abuser’s sense of reality is such that they must have some form of adoration in order to experience their own existence as worthy), the abuser will have been cultivating this new source of supply long before there is any evidence of this in your awareness; in most cases, they will not dump you until they have a good sense that they have secured a new source.
The world has gone grey; nothing said makes sense, every aspect of life seems clouded, bewildering. The body aches but for no visible reason. The heart pounds in a gloom that has no name. The self, split in pieces, feels pressed to the ground as it struggles with all it's might against an invisible enemy.
The light rose behind the grey represents what remains of the truth; that the victim has no guilt in any of this, a fact they will not come to understand for some time (this is not due to any lack of sanity or intelligence – it is due to the diabolical nature of what has been done to you) .
Here, in the title of this piece, you will find three terms you will come to know intimately. However, during this phase, they are likely still a mystery to you, in fact it is probable that they are words you have no involvement with whatsoever. (OK, yes, you will recall there was an old movie in which the term “gas lighting” was a thing, but. . .?)
In this phase of the abuse, your abuser will be acting out in full-time, full-on (and, sadly and horribly, long plotted) distortion of truth, to your face, behind your back and to those around them, regarding the nature of your relationship. You, however, will still – at least for the most part - be in the dark. Because no part of you could ever fathom that an other human being (especially this wonderful one you have given 110% of your trust to) would or even could do the things you will, (in a later phase), come to see that the abuser has been doing since the beginning, you will be feeling worse than you ever have in your life. You may beg the abuser to speak to you, to share what is wrong. You may even, apologetically, ask if there is someone else they are interested in. They will likely contend that nothing is wrong, even going so far as to, say, place their hands on your shoulders, look deeply into your eyes, and swear that they still love you and there is nothing wrong, no one else. . . They may suggest there is something wrong with you, but will be sharing little to nothing about themselves. They may be obviously distracted, or even not speaking to you, except now and then, to appease your sobbing self, or furious outbursts. . . to which they respond with more silence, some disdainful looks or words, which you are likely to take to heart, seeing yourself as the monster or mess that everyone around you can now clearly see you are. And the poor, quiet, abuser goes about their business, bearing this horrible person you have become. . .
You may even go so far as to ask a mutual friend or family member, in confidence (for this person is your friend, your confidant, someone close to you) if they know anything about what your abuser is going through, or whether they might be unable to share an affair or some such thing… this confidant, unbeknownst to you, may be one of the abuser’s Flying Monkeys (a term taken from the Wizard of Oz’s portrayal of the arch villain’s helpers – those who are enthralled with her power and do her bidding – referring in the case of this type of abuse to those people around the abuser who have been enlisted to assist the abuser in Gas lighting you), and you will hear from this person too that “there is nothing wrong. [so and so] would tell you if there were, I am sure.” But you will feel strange. Confused.
Wikipedia defines “Gas lighting”: Gas lighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.
By this point in the relationship, you are confused more of the time than not. What you will come to learn eventually, is that while your mind is hearing the words spoken to you and believing them, and while your kind heart is continuing to pour out love toward your poor person who must be in some wretched kind of pain in order to be so inaccessible (because an empathic person – any healthy person, really – has no reason to believe that a person they love and who loves them would ever do them harm – that simply is not, at least conceptually, what love IS), your BODY and your higher intuition KNOW THE TRUTH. And so, you are – and likely have been for months, years or decades – living with an intense level of cognitive/somatic dissonance. That is, aspects of yourself are perceiving two opposing realities, causing horrible mental, emotional and often physical discomfort and destabilization within you.
While you are experiencing all this, the abuser is also doing what their warped and maladapted psyche knows how to do in order to, in their mind, survive; they have moved on (likely weeks, months or years ago) to new “Supply”. “Supply” is the term given to whomever the abuser has chosen as their current “fix”, the person to whom they are seeking to attach, and from whom they must receive validation in the form of adoration. Incapable of accessing any self-reference (for, due to the particular psychological petri dish in which this person was parented, no Self was actually able to form. More on this further on; suffice it to say for now that this abuser’s sense of reality is such that they must have some form of adoration in order to experience their own existence as worthy), the abuser will have been cultivating this new source of supply long before there is any evidence of this in your awareness; in most cases, they will not dump you until they have a good sense that they have secured a new source.
4. The Discard
The Art:
There is nothing but wretched chaos, yet still to the victim there seems no visible reason for this. The abuser has succeeded in sucking all but the last drops of Life Force from – and has abandoned - the victim, who has fallen to the ground, feeling as invisible as they have become to the abuser, who, the victim does not yet know, intended to ruin (thus making it easier for abuser to move on to their next supply). The black scratch marks, like the red ones the victim leaves upon their own flesh in the attempt to survive the desperate desire to crawl out of it, fill the frame. A storm of chaos reigns. . . and on the side, bits of the color indigo, representing our inner knowing/6th chakra/3rd eye. . . for the victim’s intuition, no longer in the diminishing presence of the abuser, is returning of its own accord. . .whether the victim is ready yet to listen to it is an other question.
Once the abuser has secured their new Supply, they will perpetrate upon you the most painful and horrific chapter of the abuse; “The Discard”. If you are lucky, you left your abuser before this most horrific phase of the abuse. If not, you may be feeling worse than you ever recall having felt. When the abuser “Discards” you, you will likely feel as if you have been hit by a moving train. No part of your being will have a clue what hit you, though, for, again, your mind will not have the lens through which to imagine that the person you loved and trusted all this time, nor even a mean and nasty person, could do this to you – leave you in such a manner – this person who, quite likely, prided themselves on being a “communicator”, and any number of other traits you admire. . . You find yourself, (when you are not on the floor, bereft in confusion, utter aloneness, and a sense that your very insides have somehow without your noticing, been sucked out from within), asking question after question - What, what WHAT happened? Where did that person go? What did you DO to make them hate you so? And you will get little to nothing in response (or in some cases wildly dramatic responses) if attempts are made to communicate.
The victim may be decimated in heart and soul – unrecognizable to themselves. . . and certainly there is no explanation, in the thick air or the once-friendly universe as they have known it, for what has taken place. Still blinded in the mists of the toxic gas spread by the abuser and their team, the victim is unable to see anything but their own pain, their own “messy” self, often seen as “disgusting” in some way or anther. Victims will not yet see what they are soon to learn (yet may spend the rest of their lives attempting to assimilate): that the abuser has been consciously working on them to take them down like this, for a long, long time.
You may be so depleted, confused and lost that you literally cannot stand, feed yourself, wash yourself. You may, as many experiencing this type of abuse do, find yourself with no will to live, or even find yourself with a will to die.
NOTE: IF YOU ARE, IN THIS MOMENT, FEELING THIS WAY – THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE AT ALL – PLEASE CONTACT SOMEONE – A SUICIDE HOTLINE, A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER, A NEIGHBOR, A POLICE OFFICER, YOUR DOG. . . and ask for help. You may not be able to see this right now, or even for some time, but I want to share that it is very, VERY likely, that a day will come, down the line, in which you wake and cannot find enough words of gratitude that you chose TO LIVE.
REACH OUT to someone.
And further, if you are not a survivor of this type of abuse, but know someone you think might be,
REACH OUT to that person. You might be a lifeline right now.
Spend time with that person, do not ask that they give up anything they are feeling, but make sure you are present to assist them in choosing healthy and safe actions.
Outside of wartime atrocities, the Gas lighting, New Supply & Discard phase of this type of abuse can be one of the most destructive of any perpetrated on human kind. It is a betrayal of the very essence of what it means to be human; victims/survivors loose trust in themselves, loved ones, humanity, God/Goddess/Spirit by whatever name they may have called to It. When ALL TRUST IS LOST, there is little left of the human psyche. Many who experience this find themselves with no will to go on living. Utmost care must be given to yourself now if you are to survive. As one person dear to me offered when I was going through the worst of this phase, “you are like a crustacean without a shell right now”, and must treat yourself as such. Surround yourself with as many people (whom you will not trust 100%, but choose those whom you think might be the trustworthy ones in your life) as possible. Your impulse may be to seclude yourself, especially if in the past solitude has been healing for you. But in this time it is imperative that you have good nurturing of some kind.
Here is a (very short) list for this period of survival of the abuse:
· TRUST WORTHY HUMAN CONTACT, EVERY DAY, IF POSSIBLE. AT LEAST HAVE SOMEONE CHECK ON YOU BY PHONE. If you are able to accept touch, ask someone close to rub your back, or simply hold your hand as often as possible. Your body’s electromagnetic field has been disrupted over the duration of the abuse, and is disturbed by extreme grief (and later rage). Human touch restores your energy balance over time and will assist you in regaining a sense of well-being much more quickly than if you do not receive touch.
· EXCEPTIONAL NUTRITION – FIND A WAY TO EAT AT LEAST TWO, SMALL, HEALTHY MEALS PER DAY. AS WELL, TAKE VITAMINS (ASK YOUR NATUROPATH, DOCTOR OR OTHER HEALTH PROFESSIONAL TO SUGGEST DOSES, BUT AT VERY LEAST, PLAN TO TAKE B VITAMINS FOR YOUR HIGH LEVELS OF STRESS AND REASONABLY LARGE DOSE OF VITAMIN C, FOR THE IMMUNE SYSTEM.) ALSO SUGGESTED: A MULTI-VITAMIN, VIT. D, OMEGA-3, AND PROBIOTICS FOR DIGESTION. Under high stress for long periods of time, your immune system is taxed, your digestion may be upset and your already diminished health may spiral into illness. While the journey to health after this type of abuse can be long and harrowing, making sure you have exceptional, preventative nutrition will assist you in making the swiftest recovery possible.
· EXERCISE, MEDITATION, SLEEP – EVEN IF YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANY OF THESE THINGS IN THE PAST, AS SOON AS YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ABLE, PUSH YOURSELF TO ENGAGE IN AT LEAST TWO (AND THE THIRD WILL COME MORE READILY IF YOU DO).
· SOMEONE TO TALK TO – IT IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT YOU HAVE PEOPLE TO TALK THIS THROUGH WITH AT ANY TIME OF DAY OR NIGHT, FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO. And this, of course, is a difficult task for most survivors – in part because many of us have, over the years, succumbed to the abusers slow deletion of our connections to others, and in part because even the kindest ears are attached to a person who must go about their daily life and cannot spend all day or night on the phone with you. But someone willing to listen, perhaps once a day for 10-20 minutes, can be a life-saver for you in the long days and nights of horror you will likely be experiencing.
· NO CONTACT - ONCE YOU HAVE BEEN DISCARDED, THERE IS NOTHING WORSE FOR YOUR HEALTH THAN RE-ENGAGING WITH THE ABUSER. Because of the “Trauma Bond” you have to this person, No Contact will seem unbearable. But the sooner you recognize the truth in this, the sooner you can heal. (For anyone who has healed from another type of abuse, it will be an other dagger to the soul to learn that the most healing thing for abuse victims in general – SPEAKING OUT – is, in the case of this type of abuser, only food for that abuser. ANY communication with the abuser whatsoever, including communication with their Flying Monkeys, or posted where the abuser can see it, actually feeds that abuser. Your sharing, whether positive or negative, pumps up their sense of self, for they take what you share as a means to see themselves as still having power in your life. This is one particularly difficult aspect of this type of abuse. For now, if you are able – and as I learned the hard way - keep your processing to yourself, those very close to you, and a good journal. There will be time and space to speak out ahead.)
· A SPECIAL BLANKET, TOY OR OTHER OBJECT- This may seem ridiculous, but having something you can hold on to when there is no longer any human, deity, activity or belief that you can trust - can be a tiny lifeline in an otherwise seemingly horrific and hollow existence. This object may be something from your childhood, something from your kitchen drawer or a rock from outside your door. . .
Hold on, dear one.
There is nothing but wretched chaos, yet still to the victim there seems no visible reason for this. The abuser has succeeded in sucking all but the last drops of Life Force from – and has abandoned - the victim, who has fallen to the ground, feeling as invisible as they have become to the abuser, who, the victim does not yet know, intended to ruin (thus making it easier for abuser to move on to their next supply). The black scratch marks, like the red ones the victim leaves upon their own flesh in the attempt to survive the desperate desire to crawl out of it, fill the frame. A storm of chaos reigns. . . and on the side, bits of the color indigo, representing our inner knowing/6th chakra/3rd eye. . . for the victim’s intuition, no longer in the diminishing presence of the abuser, is returning of its own accord. . .whether the victim is ready yet to listen to it is an other question.
Once the abuser has secured their new Supply, they will perpetrate upon you the most painful and horrific chapter of the abuse; “The Discard”. If you are lucky, you left your abuser before this most horrific phase of the abuse. If not, you may be feeling worse than you ever recall having felt. When the abuser “Discards” you, you will likely feel as if you have been hit by a moving train. No part of your being will have a clue what hit you, though, for, again, your mind will not have the lens through which to imagine that the person you loved and trusted all this time, nor even a mean and nasty person, could do this to you – leave you in such a manner – this person who, quite likely, prided themselves on being a “communicator”, and any number of other traits you admire. . . You find yourself, (when you are not on the floor, bereft in confusion, utter aloneness, and a sense that your very insides have somehow without your noticing, been sucked out from within), asking question after question - What, what WHAT happened? Where did that person go? What did you DO to make them hate you so? And you will get little to nothing in response (or in some cases wildly dramatic responses) if attempts are made to communicate.
The victim may be decimated in heart and soul – unrecognizable to themselves. . . and certainly there is no explanation, in the thick air or the once-friendly universe as they have known it, for what has taken place. Still blinded in the mists of the toxic gas spread by the abuser and their team, the victim is unable to see anything but their own pain, their own “messy” self, often seen as “disgusting” in some way or anther. Victims will not yet see what they are soon to learn (yet may spend the rest of their lives attempting to assimilate): that the abuser has been consciously working on them to take them down like this, for a long, long time.
You may be so depleted, confused and lost that you literally cannot stand, feed yourself, wash yourself. You may, as many experiencing this type of abuse do, find yourself with no will to live, or even find yourself with a will to die.
NOTE: IF YOU ARE, IN THIS MOMENT, FEELING THIS WAY – THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE AT ALL – PLEASE CONTACT SOMEONE – A SUICIDE HOTLINE, A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER, A NEIGHBOR, A POLICE OFFICER, YOUR DOG. . . and ask for help. You may not be able to see this right now, or even for some time, but I want to share that it is very, VERY likely, that a day will come, down the line, in which you wake and cannot find enough words of gratitude that you chose TO LIVE.
REACH OUT to someone.
And further, if you are not a survivor of this type of abuse, but know someone you think might be,
REACH OUT to that person. You might be a lifeline right now.
Spend time with that person, do not ask that they give up anything they are feeling, but make sure you are present to assist them in choosing healthy and safe actions.
Outside of wartime atrocities, the Gas lighting, New Supply & Discard phase of this type of abuse can be one of the most destructive of any perpetrated on human kind. It is a betrayal of the very essence of what it means to be human; victims/survivors loose trust in themselves, loved ones, humanity, God/Goddess/Spirit by whatever name they may have called to It. When ALL TRUST IS LOST, there is little left of the human psyche. Many who experience this find themselves with no will to go on living. Utmost care must be given to yourself now if you are to survive. As one person dear to me offered when I was going through the worst of this phase, “you are like a crustacean without a shell right now”, and must treat yourself as such. Surround yourself with as many people (whom you will not trust 100%, but choose those whom you think might be the trustworthy ones in your life) as possible. Your impulse may be to seclude yourself, especially if in the past solitude has been healing for you. But in this time it is imperative that you have good nurturing of some kind.
Here is a (very short) list for this period of survival of the abuse:
· TRUST WORTHY HUMAN CONTACT, EVERY DAY, IF POSSIBLE. AT LEAST HAVE SOMEONE CHECK ON YOU BY PHONE. If you are able to accept touch, ask someone close to rub your back, or simply hold your hand as often as possible. Your body’s electromagnetic field has been disrupted over the duration of the abuse, and is disturbed by extreme grief (and later rage). Human touch restores your energy balance over time and will assist you in regaining a sense of well-being much more quickly than if you do not receive touch.
· EXCEPTIONAL NUTRITION – FIND A WAY TO EAT AT LEAST TWO, SMALL, HEALTHY MEALS PER DAY. AS WELL, TAKE VITAMINS (ASK YOUR NATUROPATH, DOCTOR OR OTHER HEALTH PROFESSIONAL TO SUGGEST DOSES, BUT AT VERY LEAST, PLAN TO TAKE B VITAMINS FOR YOUR HIGH LEVELS OF STRESS AND REASONABLY LARGE DOSE OF VITAMIN C, FOR THE IMMUNE SYSTEM.) ALSO SUGGESTED: A MULTI-VITAMIN, VIT. D, OMEGA-3, AND PROBIOTICS FOR DIGESTION. Under high stress for long periods of time, your immune system is taxed, your digestion may be upset and your already diminished health may spiral into illness. While the journey to health after this type of abuse can be long and harrowing, making sure you have exceptional, preventative nutrition will assist you in making the swiftest recovery possible.
· EXERCISE, MEDITATION, SLEEP – EVEN IF YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANY OF THESE THINGS IN THE PAST, AS SOON AS YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ABLE, PUSH YOURSELF TO ENGAGE IN AT LEAST TWO (AND THE THIRD WILL COME MORE READILY IF YOU DO).
· SOMEONE TO TALK TO – IT IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT YOU HAVE PEOPLE TO TALK THIS THROUGH WITH AT ANY TIME OF DAY OR NIGHT, FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO. And this, of course, is a difficult task for most survivors – in part because many of us have, over the years, succumbed to the abusers slow deletion of our connections to others, and in part because even the kindest ears are attached to a person who must go about their daily life and cannot spend all day or night on the phone with you. But someone willing to listen, perhaps once a day for 10-20 minutes, can be a life-saver for you in the long days and nights of horror you will likely be experiencing.
· NO CONTACT - ONCE YOU HAVE BEEN DISCARDED, THERE IS NOTHING WORSE FOR YOUR HEALTH THAN RE-ENGAGING WITH THE ABUSER. Because of the “Trauma Bond” you have to this person, No Contact will seem unbearable. But the sooner you recognize the truth in this, the sooner you can heal. (For anyone who has healed from another type of abuse, it will be an other dagger to the soul to learn that the most healing thing for abuse victims in general – SPEAKING OUT – is, in the case of this type of abuser, only food for that abuser. ANY communication with the abuser whatsoever, including communication with their Flying Monkeys, or posted where the abuser can see it, actually feeds that abuser. Your sharing, whether positive or negative, pumps up their sense of self, for they take what you share as a means to see themselves as still having power in your life. This is one particularly difficult aspect of this type of abuse. For now, if you are able – and as I learned the hard way - keep your processing to yourself, those very close to you, and a good journal. There will be time and space to speak out ahead.)
· A SPECIAL BLANKET, TOY OR OTHER OBJECT- This may seem ridiculous, but having something you can hold on to when there is no longer any human, deity, activity or belief that you can trust - can be a tiny lifeline in an otherwise seemingly horrific and hollow existence. This object may be something from your childhood, something from your kitchen drawer or a rock from outside your door. . .
Hold on, dear one.
5. Abyss
The Art:
The body of the victim falls. Plummeting through seemingly vast and endless realms of shadow and muddied darkness, represented by the gloom that surrounds the figure, who is no longer recognizable (colored white, where they have been represented in black to this point in the journey). There is blue at the bottom of the image, water, perhaps, into which the figure may drown at some point, but the cavernous abyss may simply be the universe and beyond, an eternity of falling with no reference point, no anchor, no boundary through which to pass or place one’s reality.
When the Discard had been finalized, the victim may find themselves hurtling through a darkness as yet unsurpassed in terror any time in their life so far. Everything once known and understood may be lost to a sense that no meaning remains. What was once solid has become fluid, what was up or down now sprawls sideways through an intangible and terrifyingly distorted chaos. The concept that any human being could or would do such calculated harm to a person they profess to love is not something the victim can imagine. . . you, a compassionate human being, cannot conceive of perpetrating such horrors on anyone, let alone one you loved. The fact that this happens – DID happen to you, who only ever loved the world, shakes you to the core. As it should – your abuser is wounded in a way that is unfathomable to anyone who has not studied the psychology of this type of abuser – for people with this disorder are truly not fit for human interaction in any healthy way. You are, as you are hurled through the Abyss of the Unknown, being initiated, awakened, to a realm of human relating that will, eventually, change the very core of who you are.
The depth of despair, possibly alternating with feelings of life-destroying rage unlike any you have experienced before (often revealing themselves in the form of horribly violent dreams, or in deeper suicidal ideology), an ongoing inability to tend well to one’s needs. . . The Abyss phase may be the phase in which we hear from and listen to those who love us BUT HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THIS TYPE OF ABUSE AND MAY NOT HAVE SEEN ANY OF WHAT YOU, THE VICTIM, HAVE SEEN OF THE ABUSERS PSYCHOLOGY OVER THE TIME YOU HAVE BEEN WITH THE ABUSER - AND THEREFORE THESE WELL-MEANING FOLKS MAY NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DEALING WITH - and therefore engage unknowingly in furthering your demise. They do this by attempting to help you “up” in all the wrong ways. At this point in your journey, you may experience their suggestions to “just get back on the horse and join a dating site”, “exercise more” , “get out and socialize”, or “get back to what you love, your work etc”.
The truth about the Abyss phase is that while you may attempt to make use of your loved ones’ suggestions, there is really no way out but through – passing through the experience of the destruction of all you once held sacred, the loss of belief in self, others, even your version of what was Holy, the loss of the walls of the pool of life - no edge to swim to when you are drowning, leaves you empty, hollow, and falling. Understanding that this, in fact, is the sate of the universe, is the first step in what is to come next. As so many spiritual teachers have shared, “The first true lesson of life is that we are all alone.” The Abyss stage of healing teaches us this like no other experience will. (Thankfully, this is not the last lesson of life; hang on, as healing is possible.)
It bears noting that other human beings who have described such feelings, besides those who are victims of this type of abuse, are those exposed to sexual or physical abuse in childhood over long periods of time, torture victims, and those who have been long-term hostages. The experience of betrayal by one that was at one point a most trusted person in your life, betrayal done through gas lighting and the enlistment of others in the doing of harm, so that one questions not only the abuser and those around one, but one’s very sanity, can unhinge any human being. Be present with the truth that you are now lost (if this is what you are experiencing), and know that it is the right response to a very wrong scenario. Hold on to nothing if nothing presents itself as real and true; an other time will come.
The body of the victim falls. Plummeting through seemingly vast and endless realms of shadow and muddied darkness, represented by the gloom that surrounds the figure, who is no longer recognizable (colored white, where they have been represented in black to this point in the journey). There is blue at the bottom of the image, water, perhaps, into which the figure may drown at some point, but the cavernous abyss may simply be the universe and beyond, an eternity of falling with no reference point, no anchor, no boundary through which to pass or place one’s reality.
When the Discard had been finalized, the victim may find themselves hurtling through a darkness as yet unsurpassed in terror any time in their life so far. Everything once known and understood may be lost to a sense that no meaning remains. What was once solid has become fluid, what was up or down now sprawls sideways through an intangible and terrifyingly distorted chaos. The concept that any human being could or would do such calculated harm to a person they profess to love is not something the victim can imagine. . . you, a compassionate human being, cannot conceive of perpetrating such horrors on anyone, let alone one you loved. The fact that this happens – DID happen to you, who only ever loved the world, shakes you to the core. As it should – your abuser is wounded in a way that is unfathomable to anyone who has not studied the psychology of this type of abuser – for people with this disorder are truly not fit for human interaction in any healthy way. You are, as you are hurled through the Abyss of the Unknown, being initiated, awakened, to a realm of human relating that will, eventually, change the very core of who you are.
The depth of despair, possibly alternating with feelings of life-destroying rage unlike any you have experienced before (often revealing themselves in the form of horribly violent dreams, or in deeper suicidal ideology), an ongoing inability to tend well to one’s needs. . . The Abyss phase may be the phase in which we hear from and listen to those who love us BUT HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THIS TYPE OF ABUSE AND MAY NOT HAVE SEEN ANY OF WHAT YOU, THE VICTIM, HAVE SEEN OF THE ABUSERS PSYCHOLOGY OVER THE TIME YOU HAVE BEEN WITH THE ABUSER - AND THEREFORE THESE WELL-MEANING FOLKS MAY NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DEALING WITH - and therefore engage unknowingly in furthering your demise. They do this by attempting to help you “up” in all the wrong ways. At this point in your journey, you may experience their suggestions to “just get back on the horse and join a dating site”, “exercise more” , “get out and socialize”, or “get back to what you love, your work etc”.
The truth about the Abyss phase is that while you may attempt to make use of your loved ones’ suggestions, there is really no way out but through – passing through the experience of the destruction of all you once held sacred, the loss of belief in self, others, even your version of what was Holy, the loss of the walls of the pool of life - no edge to swim to when you are drowning, leaves you empty, hollow, and falling. Understanding that this, in fact, is the sate of the universe, is the first step in what is to come next. As so many spiritual teachers have shared, “The first true lesson of life is that we are all alone.” The Abyss stage of healing teaches us this like no other experience will. (Thankfully, this is not the last lesson of life; hang on, as healing is possible.)
It bears noting that other human beings who have described such feelings, besides those who are victims of this type of abuse, are those exposed to sexual or physical abuse in childhood over long periods of time, torture victims, and those who have been long-term hostages. The experience of betrayal by one that was at one point a most trusted person in your life, betrayal done through gas lighting and the enlistment of others in the doing of harm, so that one questions not only the abuser and those around one, but one’s very sanity, can unhinge any human being. Be present with the truth that you are now lost (if this is what you are experiencing), and know that it is the right response to a very wrong scenario. Hold on to nothing if nothing presents itself as real and true; an other time will come.
6. Bewilderment
The Art:
Still surrounded by darkness, an aspect of it has lifted. The green and earth tones surrounding our victim hold some movement, some change, dare we say some light? The figures on the page sit in shadow, yet also lie, oddly relaxed, in acceptance. One is still (and on some level may always be) Bewildered, but no longer feeling completely torn and tossed to the 4 corners of the world. The dark green beneath the figures offers some floor from which to begin the questioning. . . Perhaps waking up alive, even amidst such horror, means there is earth beneath one.
Bewilderment comes when we have allowed the “falling” of the Abyss stage to carry us where it may, and in so doing, a certain bit of ground rises up to meet us. It may be reading material someone passed to us, a video seen online as one attempted to survive one more wretched night of a sense of burning coals in the belly or heavy rocks on the chest. . . Or recognition that one has begun dreaming again, after so may years or decades without such wise night visitors. . . but something has settled us somewhere that feels like – at least a temporary – ground.
Somehow, the combination of a speck of stillness plus the slightest trickle of the return of one’s intuition, opens a space in which one’s mind can come back online. . . that is, one begins to THINK again, to wonder. . . to realize the size of the implausible that must become plausible. . . something out of the ordinary happened. In spite of the words of well meaning friends who can only see that you have been “a mess" due, in their minds, to your “break up”, and in spite of your utter uncertainty, what was complete confusion has moved up the ladder a bit, and morphed from Abyss into Bewilderment. Now, unlike your earlier feelings of “WTF happened!?”, you may be experiencing more of an “ok, wait, something took place here. I know not what it was, but it was something. . .”
7. Sleuthing & Revelation
The Art:
The darkness still surrounds you, yet there is a warmth to it, and something of a miracle has occurred; you are upright, and there are stars, sparks in the night sky, that represent the bits of truth that have begin to make themselves visible in your orbit. Your intellect is now your savior as it lifts you from the many pains unto a way to see them anew. The small, black figures surrounding the main figure represent both the many aspects of your life that have been hurt, but also, perhaps, the strangely disparate pieces of the abuser, or even the many, many others who join you on this journey of mending. Somehow, even if only in books or online, these others out there are having an effect. A light shines up at you from your learning, and helps you cope. . . your own light, though not what it once was, begins to shine from a deeper place than ever before. Still, it is tentative, as the shadowy browns suggest.
Sleuthing and Revelation begins when the first piece of truth is reflected back to you, as noted in the previous phase, often when you have by chance encountered some piece of information that mirrors your story. You came in some round about way to recognize your abuser’s behavior in a list of traits posted online; you were given a book by someone who was also a victim of the type of abuse you were, and they suspect – but only gently imply – that the book might be of help; you saw a video posted by one of the many recently made helpers (through their own need to heal and thus study of the phenomenon) offering advice; your intuition or a dream prompted you to look up a word or phrase. . . and thus began what has or may become close to an obsession with unearthing the truth about what you have been through.
Your (legitimate) fear, pain and rage may have offered you license to do things the old you would never have done, such as searching for/stalking facts about your abuser, their new supply, family or friends online. Feelings of guilt and shame or righteousness and entitlement may accompany your deeds. It is important to, as much as possible, keep breathing and assessing your actions before you make or take them. Remember that the only person you are obligated to take care of is YOURSELF, and caring for yourself might (or might not) mean backing off on your craving to know what is going on with your abuser. Your desire to figure out who and what they REALLY are will likely be strong, especially in cases where victims feel fear of physical violence. However, if you are in fact afraid in this manner, putting your energies towards generating physical safety (re-key locks, contact authorities, install lights and cameras etc.) is probably time better spent than online witnessing.
During this phase, you may revert many times to any of the previous phases – learning the depth of the pain that has, in most cases intentionally and calculatedly, been inflicted upon you can be devastating… even more devastating than the pain of the devaluing and discard themselves is accepting the may levels upon which you have been made a pawn in the game your abuser calls their life. But the difference is that each time you fall back into the pit of horrors now, you may then be lifted by your brain, which has kicked in full force, who’s curiosity takes the wheel. Learning about the abuse, the names and phrases used to describe various aspects of the abuse, the psychology of abusers and – most importantly, the psychology of yourself - may feel like a full time obsession. The importance of understanding what made you a target, how your own original wounds made you the intelligent, hyper-compassionate, almost unconditionally-forgiving, human soul that you are – and why this makes you the prey and goal of abusers of this sort. . . all this becomes your day's and night's mission to understand. In a sense, the Sleuthing and Revelation - learning of the pieces and the use of your mind in doing so - is a healing respite from the body/bones/guts phases you have been in previously.
But along with the Sleuthing come the Revelations, and these can feel devastating. You may learn that little – if any – portion of the relationship you had with your abuser was actually what you thought it was. Realizing that what seemed like deep listening in the Love Bombing phase, was actually what is termed “interviewing” – your abuser was not actually interested in you, but was instead taking in every bit of your speech patterning, your phraseology, what you like and don’t, how you react to things they say (you may recall strange things they said, such as throwing into otherwise-great conversations some story of something horrible they did – all, you now see in this Revelation phase, designed to assess you and your bandwidth for accepting them and their behavior no matter what). You may learn that the things you thought you had so deeply in common were not values of theirs at all, but rather YOUR values TAKEN ON by them, in order to make you want them. You may recall that when they said “I love you” and you wanted to return the sentiment, some part of you felt odd. . . you may hear yourself say “why did it feel so strange when they said that to me. . .?” and then recall yourself disregarding that body-knowing/intuition, for the cognitive dissonance was too much to face. You may learn that those you thought were your friends, your confidants, were actually your abuser’s Flying Monkeys, doing their bidding, participating in Gas lighting you. You may realize you have lost friends, or that you are seen and promoted by the abuser the “crazy one”. You may realize that somehow over time, you managed to allow the abuser to separate you from friends, family, work and activities you once loved. It may be revealed to you how deeply you allowed the abuser to assist you in abandoning yourself.
While the Sleuthing and the Revelations that follow may be an engaging phase of the journey, this can also be a time of shakiness for victims. You are empowered by the discoveries and unfoldments of truth, and you are mending deeply as you begin to understand and welcome how very important your intuition is. However, this may be paralleled by the realization that you are still also extremely vulnerable, emotionally. Reading other victims stories you may have learned that it can take years, even decades to heal. You have seen the strangeness of similarity in thought and word and deed of so many of this type of abuser. You will be beginning to understand what made them the way they are, and why they will never change. You will have learned that with this type of abuser there will never be closure. You may have begun to find community, at least online. . .
But you probably find yourself still hooked back in to the pain, moments of re-entering the familiar and hopeful delusion that you’ve got it all wrong, and the abuser must be right – it is you who is crazy, you who is off balance, and there is nothing wrong with them. The danger in this phase is in not recognizing that through the abuse, you have been changed; if you are like most of us who have experienced this type of abuse, your brain chemistry has literally been altered. This is when the next phase, which begins to evolve built on what you have learned so far, is of paramount importance.
The darkness still surrounds you, yet there is a warmth to it, and something of a miracle has occurred; you are upright, and there are stars, sparks in the night sky, that represent the bits of truth that have begin to make themselves visible in your orbit. Your intellect is now your savior as it lifts you from the many pains unto a way to see them anew. The small, black figures surrounding the main figure represent both the many aspects of your life that have been hurt, but also, perhaps, the strangely disparate pieces of the abuser, or even the many, many others who join you on this journey of mending. Somehow, even if only in books or online, these others out there are having an effect. A light shines up at you from your learning, and helps you cope. . . your own light, though not what it once was, begins to shine from a deeper place than ever before. Still, it is tentative, as the shadowy browns suggest.
Sleuthing and Revelation begins when the first piece of truth is reflected back to you, as noted in the previous phase, often when you have by chance encountered some piece of information that mirrors your story. You came in some round about way to recognize your abuser’s behavior in a list of traits posted online; you were given a book by someone who was also a victim of the type of abuse you were, and they suspect – but only gently imply – that the book might be of help; you saw a video posted by one of the many recently made helpers (through their own need to heal and thus study of the phenomenon) offering advice; your intuition or a dream prompted you to look up a word or phrase. . . and thus began what has or may become close to an obsession with unearthing the truth about what you have been through.
Your (legitimate) fear, pain and rage may have offered you license to do things the old you would never have done, such as searching for/stalking facts about your abuser, their new supply, family or friends online. Feelings of guilt and shame or righteousness and entitlement may accompany your deeds. It is important to, as much as possible, keep breathing and assessing your actions before you make or take them. Remember that the only person you are obligated to take care of is YOURSELF, and caring for yourself might (or might not) mean backing off on your craving to know what is going on with your abuser. Your desire to figure out who and what they REALLY are will likely be strong, especially in cases where victims feel fear of physical violence. However, if you are in fact afraid in this manner, putting your energies towards generating physical safety (re-key locks, contact authorities, install lights and cameras etc.) is probably time better spent than online witnessing.
During this phase, you may revert many times to any of the previous phases – learning the depth of the pain that has, in most cases intentionally and calculatedly, been inflicted upon you can be devastating… even more devastating than the pain of the devaluing and discard themselves is accepting the may levels upon which you have been made a pawn in the game your abuser calls their life. But the difference is that each time you fall back into the pit of horrors now, you may then be lifted by your brain, which has kicked in full force, who’s curiosity takes the wheel. Learning about the abuse, the names and phrases used to describe various aspects of the abuse, the psychology of abusers and – most importantly, the psychology of yourself - may feel like a full time obsession. The importance of understanding what made you a target, how your own original wounds made you the intelligent, hyper-compassionate, almost unconditionally-forgiving, human soul that you are – and why this makes you the prey and goal of abusers of this sort. . . all this becomes your day's and night's mission to understand. In a sense, the Sleuthing and Revelation - learning of the pieces and the use of your mind in doing so - is a healing respite from the body/bones/guts phases you have been in previously.
But along with the Sleuthing come the Revelations, and these can feel devastating. You may learn that little – if any – portion of the relationship you had with your abuser was actually what you thought it was. Realizing that what seemed like deep listening in the Love Bombing phase, was actually what is termed “interviewing” – your abuser was not actually interested in you, but was instead taking in every bit of your speech patterning, your phraseology, what you like and don’t, how you react to things they say (you may recall strange things they said, such as throwing into otherwise-great conversations some story of something horrible they did – all, you now see in this Revelation phase, designed to assess you and your bandwidth for accepting them and their behavior no matter what). You may learn that the things you thought you had so deeply in common were not values of theirs at all, but rather YOUR values TAKEN ON by them, in order to make you want them. You may recall that when they said “I love you” and you wanted to return the sentiment, some part of you felt odd. . . you may hear yourself say “why did it feel so strange when they said that to me. . .?” and then recall yourself disregarding that body-knowing/intuition, for the cognitive dissonance was too much to face. You may learn that those you thought were your friends, your confidants, were actually your abuser’s Flying Monkeys, doing their bidding, participating in Gas lighting you. You may realize you have lost friends, or that you are seen and promoted by the abuser the “crazy one”. You may realize that somehow over time, you managed to allow the abuser to separate you from friends, family, work and activities you once loved. It may be revealed to you how deeply you allowed the abuser to assist you in abandoning yourself.
While the Sleuthing and the Revelations that follow may be an engaging phase of the journey, this can also be a time of shakiness for victims. You are empowered by the discoveries and unfoldments of truth, and you are mending deeply as you begin to understand and welcome how very important your intuition is. However, this may be paralleled by the realization that you are still also extremely vulnerable, emotionally. Reading other victims stories you may have learned that it can take years, even decades to heal. You have seen the strangeness of similarity in thought and word and deed of so many of this type of abuser. You will be beginning to understand what made them the way they are, and why they will never change. You will have learned that with this type of abuser there will never be closure. You may have begun to find community, at least online. . .
But you probably find yourself still hooked back in to the pain, moments of re-entering the familiar and hopeful delusion that you’ve got it all wrong, and the abuser must be right – it is you who is crazy, you who is off balance, and there is nothing wrong with them. The danger in this phase is in not recognizing that through the abuse, you have been changed; if you are like most of us who have experienced this type of abuse, your brain chemistry has literally been altered. This is when the next phase, which begins to evolve built on what you have learned so far, is of paramount importance.
8. Allies
The Art:
The main figure in the center of the painting is grounded on all fours. They find themselves surrounded by a number of multi-colored figures coming from many directions. These figures represent the many others - others who know and support us - who begin to enter our orbit when we are ready for them. The green and turquoise surrounding the central figure represent the abundance of love, growth and communication available at this stage of the journey.
In this extremely important phase of the healing journey, you begin – ever so carefully – to assess who, if anyone, might be a true ally. Having been betrayed, on more levels than you could ever have imagined possible, by a person you may have held most dear or most honest or most sincere in your life, your ability to trust has been shattered. This, it turns out, is precisely appropriate; the loving, trusting, forgiving person you were in the past, would be a wonderful person to be – but only if the world were as you WISH it were; filled with other unconditionally honest and loving human beings. You have learned in the most horrible way possible that this is not the way of our world. You have every right – and good reason now – to live as a bitter and hateful person. Yet something has begun to happen through the Sleuthing and Revelation phase, and that is that you have encountered others who know, through and through, what you have experienced, what has been done to you, who and what these abusers really are. Along with this revelation, arises now the potential for a group of human beings in whom you may begin to place some version of trust.
If in fact it is too much to actively trust others, you may at least begin to call some of them your Allies. These are people who will be of assistance on your journey. One of these may be the person you contact when you realize you have fallen back into seeing yourself as the problem and the abuser as wonderful or a “poor victim of your emotionally messy self” (or whatever your story dictated) – you call them to remind you what is true. You may have found a therapist/counselor/spiritual guide who knows the world of this type of abuse and is there for you when you need them. Support groups, compassionate and understanding family members, friends. . . any and all of these – as part of your reaching back into the flow of human interaction and REBUILDING relationships with both eyes open – are part of your safety net.
Also important to note that not only do you not have to fully trust others at this point, but that it is right and correct that you do NOT automatically trust ANYONE. Think of your current allies as a testing ground, in which you are LISTENING MORE CLOSELY TO YOUR DEEPEST INNER KNOWING than to anything anyone, no matter who they are, is telling you. Especially suspect shall be those who tell you that they are trustworthy. No words, but deeds and most importantly your body’s response to others, should be your barometer. Remember and re-remember the experience of stepping on your body-intuition in order to say or do or respond to what your abuser wanted rather than honoring what on the deepest level you knew was true. This, right here, is the key to never being duped again.
Note: Many, many sites and discussion groups around this type of abuse have participants asking over and over “How do we recognize these people? How do we stay safe?” And many pages are devoted to lists of traits and behaviors of abusers that might make them visible to us, but the fact is that they are by nature incredibly intelligent and adapt to all sorts of situations. The answer, in my view, is that we cannot keep ourselves safe by learning about them. The one and only way to be safe – always and forever – is to learn to trust, hone and act on OUR BODY’S KNOWING/INTUITION. More on this on the Workshops page.
The main figure in the center of the painting is grounded on all fours. They find themselves surrounded by a number of multi-colored figures coming from many directions. These figures represent the many others - others who know and support us - who begin to enter our orbit when we are ready for them. The green and turquoise surrounding the central figure represent the abundance of love, growth and communication available at this stage of the journey.
In this extremely important phase of the healing journey, you begin – ever so carefully – to assess who, if anyone, might be a true ally. Having been betrayed, on more levels than you could ever have imagined possible, by a person you may have held most dear or most honest or most sincere in your life, your ability to trust has been shattered. This, it turns out, is precisely appropriate; the loving, trusting, forgiving person you were in the past, would be a wonderful person to be – but only if the world were as you WISH it were; filled with other unconditionally honest and loving human beings. You have learned in the most horrible way possible that this is not the way of our world. You have every right – and good reason now – to live as a bitter and hateful person. Yet something has begun to happen through the Sleuthing and Revelation phase, and that is that you have encountered others who know, through and through, what you have experienced, what has been done to you, who and what these abusers really are. Along with this revelation, arises now the potential for a group of human beings in whom you may begin to place some version of trust.
If in fact it is too much to actively trust others, you may at least begin to call some of them your Allies. These are people who will be of assistance on your journey. One of these may be the person you contact when you realize you have fallen back into seeing yourself as the problem and the abuser as wonderful or a “poor victim of your emotionally messy self” (or whatever your story dictated) – you call them to remind you what is true. You may have found a therapist/counselor/spiritual guide who knows the world of this type of abuse and is there for you when you need them. Support groups, compassionate and understanding family members, friends. . . any and all of these – as part of your reaching back into the flow of human interaction and REBUILDING relationships with both eyes open – are part of your safety net.
Also important to note that not only do you not have to fully trust others at this point, but that it is right and correct that you do NOT automatically trust ANYONE. Think of your current allies as a testing ground, in which you are LISTENING MORE CLOSELY TO YOUR DEEPEST INNER KNOWING than to anything anyone, no matter who they are, is telling you. Especially suspect shall be those who tell you that they are trustworthy. No words, but deeds and most importantly your body’s response to others, should be your barometer. Remember and re-remember the experience of stepping on your body-intuition in order to say or do or respond to what your abuser wanted rather than honoring what on the deepest level you knew was true. This, right here, is the key to never being duped again.
Note: Many, many sites and discussion groups around this type of abuse have participants asking over and over “How do we recognize these people? How do we stay safe?” And many pages are devoted to lists of traits and behaviors of abusers that might make them visible to us, but the fact is that they are by nature incredibly intelligent and adapt to all sorts of situations. The answer, in my view, is that we cannot keep ourselves safe by learning about them. The one and only way to be safe – always and forever – is to learn to trust, hone and act on OUR BODY’S KNOWING/INTUITION. More on this on the Workshops page.
9. Expulsion
(The Art:
The Green that surrounds the figure (who now has some true fleshy-ness returned) represents newfound health and well-being. Powerful energy emanates from hands, setting and keeping a barrier between survivor and the abuser’s energy. The abuser’s energy, represented by the appealing warmth of the red and peachy colors, is also bloody and contains the once hidden but now recognized sharp and barbed blackness of their deceitfulness.
The Expulsion stage is what it sounds like; the stage of the journey in which you are ready to remove the abuser from your life completely. Can you recall, perhaps, that once you knew nothing of their existence? This may sound simple, but with the trauma bond most likely well built in you (created by the abuser by their use of Love Bombing, and then intermittent reinforcement during Devaluation, culminating in the Gas lighting and Discard), the abusers ability to “hoover” you back into painful dynamics remains in tact. At some point, in one way or another, your healing requires the Expulsion of the abuser. One reason this can be difficult is that your root-level compassion may still be unable to grasp that the abuser is who they are, that they cannot and will not choose to heal. Your kind self does not wish to comprehend a world in which people must be Expelled, has never needed such an understanding. You are likely someone who remains friends – or at least is no enemy to – your ex partners. . . “why must it be so with this one? Can they not mend and thus we find some reasonable closure?” But it cannot be so. They are incapable. They must keep you as far from their lives as they are able so as not to leave a trail for their new Supply to find. And so, dear one, YOU must take up your axe. You must find, quite possibly with the help of one or more of your allies, the way to utterly and completely REMOVE THE ABUSER FROM YOUR LIFE, and, if possible (at least for a while), from your consciousness.
This phase at its most basic can include literal Expulsion of physical objects – getting rid of the abuser’s belongings, changing one’s look, moving to a new place, releasing all past views on relationships or even humanity. This expulsion may take on a sense of life and death necessity. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO CHOSE LIFE.
MOURNING YOUR PRINCE/PRINCESS'S DEATH
This is a good stage to consider holding a funeral or memorial of some sort, even inviting trusted companions to join in. . . while the abuser is not – and never was – who and what you thought they were, there WAS a being with whom you were in love, or at least one with whom you believed you had an intimate relationship. This person (the non-existent one) was forged by both their imagination and your willingness to fall for that imagined persona. The fairy tale part of yourself fell for the fairy tale creation. It is right and appropriate – if you resonate with this idea – to mourn the loss - not of your abuser, but of the fairy tale love that is gone.
This person likely played in to your most immature and delicate dreams of romance, engaging the sweetest, most vulnerable part of your heart. That part of you felt genuine love for the object of your affections. Holding a service in which you mourn for that loss can be deeply healing., allowing some release of the depth of sadness you feel, without making it about the abuser as they truly are (someone you do NOT long for). Simply remember that you are not mourning for the loss of the abuser who harmed you, you are mourning for younger self’s lost dream of love. This allows sorrow that may otherwise be trapped (due to your rage or your not wishing to honor the abuser) to flow and be removed from your body.
On an emotional, mental and etheric or energetic level, this phase will also include further examination and release of aspects of one’s original wounds – that is, those acquired in childhood that caused one to form coping skills that included those which make a person attractive to this type of abuser. (Again, visit How We Got That Way for more on this.)
The Green that surrounds the figure (who now has some true fleshy-ness returned) represents newfound health and well-being. Powerful energy emanates from hands, setting and keeping a barrier between survivor and the abuser’s energy. The abuser’s energy, represented by the appealing warmth of the red and peachy colors, is also bloody and contains the once hidden but now recognized sharp and barbed blackness of their deceitfulness.
The Expulsion stage is what it sounds like; the stage of the journey in which you are ready to remove the abuser from your life completely. Can you recall, perhaps, that once you knew nothing of their existence? This may sound simple, but with the trauma bond most likely well built in you (created by the abuser by their use of Love Bombing, and then intermittent reinforcement during Devaluation, culminating in the Gas lighting and Discard), the abusers ability to “hoover” you back into painful dynamics remains in tact. At some point, in one way or another, your healing requires the Expulsion of the abuser. One reason this can be difficult is that your root-level compassion may still be unable to grasp that the abuser is who they are, that they cannot and will not choose to heal. Your kind self does not wish to comprehend a world in which people must be Expelled, has never needed such an understanding. You are likely someone who remains friends – or at least is no enemy to – your ex partners. . . “why must it be so with this one? Can they not mend and thus we find some reasonable closure?” But it cannot be so. They are incapable. They must keep you as far from their lives as they are able so as not to leave a trail for their new Supply to find. And so, dear one, YOU must take up your axe. You must find, quite possibly with the help of one or more of your allies, the way to utterly and completely REMOVE THE ABUSER FROM YOUR LIFE, and, if possible (at least for a while), from your consciousness.
This phase at its most basic can include literal Expulsion of physical objects – getting rid of the abuser’s belongings, changing one’s look, moving to a new place, releasing all past views on relationships or even humanity. This expulsion may take on a sense of life and death necessity. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO CHOSE LIFE.
MOURNING YOUR PRINCE/PRINCESS'S DEATH
This is a good stage to consider holding a funeral or memorial of some sort, even inviting trusted companions to join in. . . while the abuser is not – and never was – who and what you thought they were, there WAS a being with whom you were in love, or at least one with whom you believed you had an intimate relationship. This person (the non-existent one) was forged by both their imagination and your willingness to fall for that imagined persona. The fairy tale part of yourself fell for the fairy tale creation. It is right and appropriate – if you resonate with this idea – to mourn the loss - not of your abuser, but of the fairy tale love that is gone.
This person likely played in to your most immature and delicate dreams of romance, engaging the sweetest, most vulnerable part of your heart. That part of you felt genuine love for the object of your affections. Holding a service in which you mourn for that loss can be deeply healing., allowing some release of the depth of sadness you feel, without making it about the abuser as they truly are (someone you do NOT long for). Simply remember that you are not mourning for the loss of the abuser who harmed you, you are mourning for younger self’s lost dream of love. This allows sorrow that may otherwise be trapped (due to your rage or your not wishing to honor the abuser) to flow and be removed from your body.
On an emotional, mental and etheric or energetic level, this phase will also include further examination and release of aspects of one’s original wounds – that is, those acquired in childhood that caused one to form coping skills that included those which make a person attractive to this type of abuser. (Again, visit How We Got That Way for more on this.)
10. Rebuilding
The Art:
The flame rises up, the survivor becomes the Phoenix at the heart of their own universe.
No one but you yourself, through the hardest work you have known, can make your world for you. This is what you are doing – you are quite literally remaking yourself. Honor how hard it is, honor how powerful this is. You lift the axe, remove what no longer serves, build, bit by bit, the new you. You rise, strong, winged, a part of the holy flame of life itself.
With intuition returned/returning, Revelations accepted, a growing team of Allies in place, and the abuser’s energy Expelled, a new round of healthy anger, freely expressed mourning, and energy towards creating one’s new self and life rises up. Some form of desire to live may be returning to the survivor. Yes, still there are times of horror, fear, indescribable sorrow, moments of confusion. But along with these, an energy of the Phoenix burns and survivors may join other survivors or on their own find a need to Rebuild their lives and the very essence of who they are from here forward.
This phase will serve best when it includes taking a look at the essence of every portion of a survivor’s life and experience. That is, a re-exploration of one’s physical surroundings and body, one’s emotional environment – from the inside (such as rebuilding healthy links in the brain where emotionally addictive ones once reigned) and outside (choosing new types of friendships etc that do not cause cognitive dissonance to maintain), possibly some form of mental re-build (such as learning something new, or simply learning more about this form of abuse), and spiritually Rebuilding as well, whatever that might mean to you.
The Rebuilding phase may entail harder work than you have ever done, but this is what you offer in exchange for the more-than-fair trade-off with the Holy Phoenix; your work aligns you with this mighty beast, and you will rise – are rising – UP unto a life and a self you never could have imagined. Shine on, you crazy diamond, no fire can change your truest Self, it can only burn off what was not ever really you and make you more authentically who you are at your essence, so let nothing stop you if/when the force begins to glow from within you.
The flame rises up, the survivor becomes the Phoenix at the heart of their own universe.
No one but you yourself, through the hardest work you have known, can make your world for you. This is what you are doing – you are quite literally remaking yourself. Honor how hard it is, honor how powerful this is. You lift the axe, remove what no longer serves, build, bit by bit, the new you. You rise, strong, winged, a part of the holy flame of life itself.
With intuition returned/returning, Revelations accepted, a growing team of Allies in place, and the abuser’s energy Expelled, a new round of healthy anger, freely expressed mourning, and energy towards creating one’s new self and life rises up. Some form of desire to live may be returning to the survivor. Yes, still there are times of horror, fear, indescribable sorrow, moments of confusion. But along with these, an energy of the Phoenix burns and survivors may join other survivors or on their own find a need to Rebuild their lives and the very essence of who they are from here forward.
This phase will serve best when it includes taking a look at the essence of every portion of a survivor’s life and experience. That is, a re-exploration of one’s physical surroundings and body, one’s emotional environment – from the inside (such as rebuilding healthy links in the brain where emotionally addictive ones once reigned) and outside (choosing new types of friendships etc that do not cause cognitive dissonance to maintain), possibly some form of mental re-build (such as learning something new, or simply learning more about this form of abuse), and spiritually Rebuilding as well, whatever that might mean to you.
The Rebuilding phase may entail harder work than you have ever done, but this is what you offer in exchange for the more-than-fair trade-off with the Holy Phoenix; your work aligns you with this mighty beast, and you will rise – are rising – UP unto a life and a self you never could have imagined. Shine on, you crazy diamond, no fire can change your truest Self, it can only burn off what was not ever really you and make you more authentically who you are at your essence, so let nothing stop you if/when the force begins to glow from within you.
11. Stabilizing
The Art:
The green grass of Earth underfoot and the blue of atmospheric electricity above, support you as you stand strong, knees bent, now ready for anything. Others in your world are near, but you are whole and complete unto yourself. The red background is the strong, iron-filled blood that runs through your body. It is a “given”, something that has always been there, and shall be until you leave this earth. Balance is within and all around you; you are Stabilizing.
Stabilizing is a phase in which, possibly for the first time in months or years, you are fully landed. You see the world as it truly is. You feel what support for you is real, you accept what inspiration for you is genuine. You are alone, but in a world in which you recognize others with whom you might, for a time, travel. Or not. You are re-introducing your newly built self to what surrounds you. You may still be more alone than with others, but you are not distressed by this, rather you are watching. Living and watching. Allowing yourself the time you need to assess what is for you and what is not. Using tools you have acquired to keep Stabilizing aspects of yourself; what Stabilizes your body’s balance? Your heart’s vibrancy? Your mind’s clarity? Your spirit’s ongoing renewal? What shall be your new habits, patterns, comings and goings? Who and where are your people? How much solitude, how much interaction? Where is your sense of trust in it’s growth? Do you seek to trust more or are you fine and well in trust’s growth?
You are Stabilizing, and you can feel this in your day to day living, even moment-to-moment breathing. Speaking of which, it is important to note that even at this stage of the journey, it is common to return to any of the others for moments, or even larger periods of time. But these returns are usually easier to bounce back from. Your new self, forged in the fire of this cauldron of abuse and healing, will return to you, again and again now, for the rest of your life.
12. Hope
The Art:
The indigo/blue and turquoise that surround the central figure represent our intact and forever onward honored intuition – and our unmutable commitment to clear communication with all those we encounter. The sparkle and color around the figure represent the magic of Hope returned. The figure sits calmly, embracing what is theirs, yet is not swept away by any false beauty. Stillness, Radiance and balance reign.
Hope, in this process of healing, is not a word to be tossed about lightly. Indeed, it may be one which had lost itself from your vocabulary, your world. Yet somehow, unbeknownst to you, it has crept in, found its way back to you. How did it come to pass that this word that had flown from your universe now rises up, not hot like the flame of the Phoenix, but gently, invisibly, like the moon waxes, until today (maybe just today), it rests within and all around you?
Hope is an elusive thing at best, and not something we can conjure, but is a gift of Grace we receive when all things in a realm are in alignment. The Hope spoken of here is not the false hope of your previous life, nor the superficial hope of wishing (as in “I hope they love me..” etc). This Hope is the miracle that befalls us when light returns after unfathomable depths have all but consumed us and we had given up on all possibility of hopefulness. There are, really, no words for this tiny, quiet ocean that shows itself to the worthy. And you, survivor, are worthy.
When Hope finds us in this unnamable way, our breath rises and falls as if our lungs have grown wide as a universe. There may be nothing visible changed about us, yet we are so different from within that the stars are singing. The mere fact that we experience a moment of Hope is worth all the gold in this world.
Congratulations, you have rejoined the strong angels of this world (who, please know, dear one, know well the horrors that lie in the shadows of the human psyche, and, like you, shall never forget that these are among us). While you may choose to share your gifts and love with others, your life and world (finally) belong to no one but yourself.
The indigo/blue and turquoise that surround the central figure represent our intact and forever onward honored intuition – and our unmutable commitment to clear communication with all those we encounter. The sparkle and color around the figure represent the magic of Hope returned. The figure sits calmly, embracing what is theirs, yet is not swept away by any false beauty. Stillness, Radiance and balance reign.
Hope, in this process of healing, is not a word to be tossed about lightly. Indeed, it may be one which had lost itself from your vocabulary, your world. Yet somehow, unbeknownst to you, it has crept in, found its way back to you. How did it come to pass that this word that had flown from your universe now rises up, not hot like the flame of the Phoenix, but gently, invisibly, like the moon waxes, until today (maybe just today), it rests within and all around you?
Hope is an elusive thing at best, and not something we can conjure, but is a gift of Grace we receive when all things in a realm are in alignment. The Hope spoken of here is not the false hope of your previous life, nor the superficial hope of wishing (as in “I hope they love me..” etc). This Hope is the miracle that befalls us when light returns after unfathomable depths have all but consumed us and we had given up on all possibility of hopefulness. There are, really, no words for this tiny, quiet ocean that shows itself to the worthy. And you, survivor, are worthy.
When Hope finds us in this unnamable way, our breath rises and falls as if our lungs have grown wide as a universe. There may be nothing visible changed about us, yet we are so different from within that the stars are singing. The mere fact that we experience a moment of Hope is worth all the gold in this world.
Congratulations, you have rejoined the strong angels of this world (who, please know, dear one, know well the horrors that lie in the shadows of the human psyche, and, like you, shall never forget that these are among us). While you may choose to share your gifts and love with others, your life and world (finally) belong to no one but yourself.
13. Reclamation
The Art:
This is a depiction of you, the thriving survivor, in your most authentic self. No longer the overly kind target, you carry a balance now, of loving cup and warriors blade; open to offer love where love is due, and equally ready to cut off and shield yourself from un-truth wherever you encounter it. Your many arms represent the many aspects of who you have been, are and may still become. You are guided by divine source, highest knowing and your body’s connection to these (whatever you may name them). White for pure Truth, indigo for Intuition and blue for commitment to honest communication. The colors of your vibrant chakras in balance, you are whole, and as such, forever safe from the type of abuse you have so well survived, healed from and transmuted within your being.
Here, our survivor THRIVES. There remains no portion of codependency of any sort, no lack of self esteem, no fear of re-victimization; this is the phase of Reclamation. In this phase you fully reclaim your life, your right and desire to experience your days exactly as you wish to. No other human being sways your views, your sense of self, or your manner of interaction with others.
You are a radiant manifestation of exactly – no more and no less – who and what you authentically are.
You are free.
You are strong.
You are on The Other Side.
And, just as so very many who have walked this path before you have said in so very many ways, you have emerged, on this new bank, changed. You are not who you once were. Possibly you are someone your old self would have had a judgment of, would not have recognized, nor understood. Yet the new you looks back at the naiveté of your past self and is grateful, no matter who does or does not understand you now, that you are here. Still here, and alive, on planet Earth. So, please add me to the list of those who honor you today, exactly as you are. I am glad for each soul who has made this journey and emerged, however bedraggled, however shining. Life is, quite literally, your birthright.
Amen. AhhhWomyn.
May Every Blessing Be Yours
This is a depiction of you, the thriving survivor, in your most authentic self. No longer the overly kind target, you carry a balance now, of loving cup and warriors blade; open to offer love where love is due, and equally ready to cut off and shield yourself from un-truth wherever you encounter it. Your many arms represent the many aspects of who you have been, are and may still become. You are guided by divine source, highest knowing and your body’s connection to these (whatever you may name them). White for pure Truth, indigo for Intuition and blue for commitment to honest communication. The colors of your vibrant chakras in balance, you are whole, and as such, forever safe from the type of abuse you have so well survived, healed from and transmuted within your being.
Here, our survivor THRIVES. There remains no portion of codependency of any sort, no lack of self esteem, no fear of re-victimization; this is the phase of Reclamation. In this phase you fully reclaim your life, your right and desire to experience your days exactly as you wish to. No other human being sways your views, your sense of self, or your manner of interaction with others.
You are a radiant manifestation of exactly – no more and no less – who and what you authentically are.
You are free.
You are strong.
You are on The Other Side.
And, just as so very many who have walked this path before you have said in so very many ways, you have emerged, on this new bank, changed. You are not who you once were. Possibly you are someone your old self would have had a judgment of, would not have recognized, nor understood. Yet the new you looks back at the naiveté of your past self and is grateful, no matter who does or does not understand you now, that you are here. Still here, and alive, on planet Earth. So, please add me to the list of those who honor you today, exactly as you are. I am glad for each soul who has made this journey and emerged, however bedraggled, however shining. Life is, quite literally, your birthright.
Amen. AhhhWomyn.
May Every Blessing Be Yours