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So, in solidarity with my daughter, I have been watching this season (2019)'s The Bachelorette (ABC). I cannot say it is my favorite show to begin with, but there is an added horror to this season's episodes - to the point, in fact, of triggering for me notable PTSD. Here is why: ONE OF THE SUITORS IS AN ABUSER OF THE SORT THIS WEBSITE IS DISCUSSING - of the sort that my ex is (and I shall guess many of my readers' are). If you are here because you are on your own journey of seeking to understand this type of abuse, let this be a trigger warning for you as well: THE SHOW DEPICTS, WITH AMAZINGLY HORRIBLE AND USEFUL ACCURACY, THE BEHAVIOR OF THIS TYPE OF ABUSER. It is, by episode 5, still subtle if you do not know what you are looking for/at, but none the less, the insidious intention and actions are present and may bring up intense feelings for some victims. Luckily, Hannah Brown, this seasons Bachelorette, is a smart, grounded and self respecting woman who, I hope (no spoiler alerts) has the chops (read: respect for her own intuition) to recognize that she is not dealing with a healthy individual. If you are curious to see this type of abuser in action, watch this show. So far, in only 5 episodes, the suitor in question has displayed to perfection the first stage of this type of abuse (see "13 Stages"): Love Bombing. He has gone on to morph from magical perfection of a prince charming in the Love Bombing stage (including the classic behavior of moving the relationship along at a bizarrely rapid pace - in this case by saying he was in love with his target when they had known each other barely a few hours), into a diabolical liar, gaslighter and showing no remorse about throwing fellow players under the bus with his lies. If you watch carefully, you will also see the classic "empty vacuum" eyes - when he is speaking "deeply" with Hannah, what should be loving energy coming from his eyes, but it is, rather, the (terrifying, once you know what it is) blank, hollow, energy-sucking stare of emptiness so familiar to those who have been targets of these abusers. He holds a practiced "sad" or "compassionate" face while speaking, but his expressions are empty and do not seem to be in sync with his words. Further, another classic reveal is his inability to discuss - let alone actually feel - his emotions. He is incapable of truly deepening into feelings because, ...well, because these abusers do not have a deep inner Self from which to feel or recognize feelings if they had them. (Though they may have learned to affect feeling so well it is hard to see at first that there is no real connection going on there. See "How We Got That Way" for more information on this, and/or watch the well-spoken video by Michelle Lee Nieves on the topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0rFZDPYBOI&feature=youtu.be) Other bits displayed by this suitor that illustrate classic behaviors are a specific type of volatile rage (whether acted out physically or emotionally - in the case of our suitor it is both), vapid stare, and even the notorious smirk/crooked smile. A less self-assured, less self-loving human being, one who is not so in touch with - and trusting of - her intuition, might not allow themselves to see beyond the charismatic, vibrant (and often extremely exciting) energy of the abuser... choosing the fairy tale HOPE of what they wish this relationship would be OVER what their intuition is telling them it actually IS. It will be interesting as we proceed to see how far this suitor gets - will Hannah see through him and let him go, or will she, like so many do, fall for the fairy tale hope that has been so deeply planted within most of us from early childhood? Will the fact of TV cameras and a bunch of round-the-clock witnesses in the form of other suitors (who are, so far, not standing for this guy's attempts at gas lighting everyone) make a difference? Will the suitor in question prevail, implode or explode? While it is unlikely that the general public will have a name for what ails this suitor, it will also be interesting to witness how he is perceived as he makes his (again, classic) "poor me" case in his efforts to remain on the show . . . valor or villain? If you want a good example of this type of abuse in the making, with all it's complexities layered on with each coming episode, watch this show! (and again, if you are still in or only recently out of a relationship with this type of abuser, the show may very likely be triggering. Watch with a friend or maybe not at all.) Here is to TRUSTING THAT GUT FEELING - AND HONORING YOUR INTUITION AT EVERY TURN! Blessings to All. Update... SPOILER ALERT: If you have not seen the episode, and want to, do not read this! OK, folks, not good news. . . Hannah continues to fall for the fiend! As with many of us, the draw and allure of the abuser's SUPER-WELL-CRAFTED FALSE SELF looms larger than what our intuition is telling us. (Note: even the abusers themselves are victims of their disorder. Some may be almost completely dissociated from the truth of what they are doing, while others are anywhere from 1-100% cognizant of the harm they do, but can feel no remorse about doing it.) We WANT that seemingly fairy tale magic so badly that we override, again and again, what we actually know: THIS PERSON'S DISORDER IS DANGEROUS TO ALL WHO ARE UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO GET IN THEIR ORBIT. And so it is with Hannay B; her intuition has told her loud and clear that things are not OK with this suitor in question . . . and still. . . she keeps him for yet another round!! Regarding the suitor, the main difference between this scenario and scenarios with these type of abusers in regular life, is that in regular life the abusers are able to shun - and get away from - other people who are on to them. On the show, the suitor cannot escape his fellow contestants who see through him and his games. In regular life, this suitor would likely run far from those men, seeking out "friendships" only with people whose eyes he could also pull the wool over. On the show, he is trapped, and uses the others' dislike of him to play the "poor innocent, misunderstood me" card. As a person interested in the psychology of all this, I find it fascinating to witness so clearly how deep and far-reaching our human desire to override what we know is - in favor of what we wish were true. And, as someone who did this very thing myself, for 7.5 years no less, I find it both horrifying and a relief to realize how pervasive and difficult to avoid this behavior (denial) is. What to do When the Prince turns out to be Bluebeard. . . ...and you realize that YOU welcomed him into your sphere, even when your bones said "not a good idea"? I invite your replies below in "comments", or, as many of you have chosen - I am guessing for privacy reasons (though I applaud you if you share publicly for every time we share our stories, another person benefits) - via email/the contact page. Also, here is to prayers that Hannah B. makes a healthy choice ASAP. Update #2 So. . . have you been watching the show? If you are a survivor and are watching, no doubt you are being triggered - at least to some degree. For me, watching Hannah see clearly what she is dealing with, and then overriding her inner knowing, is really hard - - because it mirrors precisely what I myself did with my abuser. And, if the many interviews I conducted during my thesis/research on this topic are any indication, pretty much EVERY ONE OF US who was abused by one of these folks knew, at some point, on some level. . . while the mind so so badly wants to believe the fairy tale story, the lies and the mask the abuser is so desperate for us to uphold, the body/intuition KNOWS. Why do we override our deeper knowing? There are many reasons, of course, but one for sure is that we have been well trained to do so. And here, on The Bachelorette, we see this played out in Hannah's response to the suitor in question. She is literally - and visibly - revolted by his behaviors, arrogance and inability to feel or share his real feelings. . .. yet little by little she makes allowances for him. She allows his twisted stories and false "sweetness" to poison her coffee. . . she drinks it, wincing a bit at the strangely bitter taste as it goes down, but somehow - like each of us who was similarly bamboozled - tells her self over and over what he told her - no, its not bitter - I just put sugar in it. So, even though the actual taste is bitter, since her mind believes the "sugar is in there", she overrides the knowing in favor of the story. A strange (and validating) thing happened to me after the other night's episode: I spoke with a friend on the phone who normally does not watch this show. She had read the previous blog posts and was curious (being a survivor herself). . . we discussed the show at length, and agreed on the many layers of horror going on around the suitor, his behavior, and the responses of the other guys competing etc. And then she blurted it out: "Its really amazing and totally creepy how MUCH he looks just like your ex!" She went on "I mean his lovely - yet bizarrely hollow - eyes, his manufactured facial expressions, his calculated body movements, even the way he cocks his head when he is doing that fake niceness and the "poor me" thing..." and "his arrogance, his falsehood, his fake charisma and scary volatility..." She said more, but I wont add it all here. I had been creeped out by this for weeks, and it was great to have someone see it too. I want to encourage survivors to seek out someone - even if it is only one person, or even someone on line you don't know - but someone who GETS what you have been through. Someone who GETS what it is all about, how deep the wound is, how powerful the healing is. Being SEEN and UNDERSTOOD is a crucial step to healing. Getting vulnerable enough to share is hard - and I do NOT advise you share with those who have not been through this stuff. I myself - with all the training and experience I have - did not get it when friends of mine went through this - - until I went through it myself. The risk of being victim-shamed or simply being misjudged is huge. But with the right person, sharing your story is a good road. Pick a trustworthy person and take that walk. Special Note: |
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July 2020
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