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GettiNg unbamboozled
Dedicated to Abuse Survivors Everywhere.
Welcome.
This site focuses on the experience of survivors of a specific type of emotional abuse and on navigating and healing from this type of abuse in intimate/romantic relationships. Abusers of the sort discussed on these pages are found in all types of relationships - they may be parents, teachers, friends, co-workers etc. In fact, the majority of those of us who encounter these abusers in our intimate relationships have most likely encountered them before, somewhere in our childhood, thus generating within us the particular aspects of ourselves that may make us targets in later life. For more on this, see the site page: How We Got That Way. If you are seeking information more specific to a non-romantic relationship, please visit the Helpful Links page for more resources.
Strange as this may seem at first to readers, I have chosen not to name the type of abuse discussed anywhere on the site (other than what may be deduced through reading the various Links). My reasons for this are three-fold:
1. It has been my experience to date that using the defining words has the effect on many listeners of generating a rift. Oddly, this rift is built not between listener and the abusers described, but rather (for reasons I am not 100 % certain of yet, though I have theories) between listener and she who speaks the words. My experience is that listeners hear me when I tell my story without the defining word, and are alienated upon hearing it. My intention in sharing is to be heard, and to share relatable information, and thus I do not use the word/s.
2. I am not a psychotherapist and use of diagnostic terms for these abusers, described in the DSM-5 cluster B category, are best left to those licensed to do so.
3. In describing the behavior of the abusers rather than naming them, I hope to invite readers into an experience of the world of those who have been abused (and at times those who abuse), rather than creating any sense of “us and them”.
Strange as this may seem at first to readers, I have chosen not to name the type of abuse discussed anywhere on the site (other than what may be deduced through reading the various Links). My reasons for this are three-fold:
1. It has been my experience to date that using the defining words has the effect on many listeners of generating a rift. Oddly, this rift is built not between listener and the abusers described, but rather (for reasons I am not 100 % certain of yet, though I have theories) between listener and she who speaks the words. My experience is that listeners hear me when I tell my story without the defining word, and are alienated upon hearing it. My intention in sharing is to be heard, and to share relatable information, and thus I do not use the word/s.
2. I am not a psychotherapist and use of diagnostic terms for these abusers, described in the DSM-5 cluster B category, are best left to those licensed to do so.
3. In describing the behavior of the abusers rather than naming them, I hope to invite readers into an experience of the world of those who have been abused (and at times those who abuse), rather than creating any sense of “us and them”.
NOTE: I, Maya, the author of this website, am not a psychologist. While my training has included various aspects of psychological theory and practice, I am primarily trained as a Hospice Chaplain, Spiritual Director, Interfaith Minister, Pagan Shaman and Alternative Healing Facilitator. Nothing offered on this site is intended as an alternative for psychological care; please seek appropriate help if you feel you need it.
Are You (or is someone you know) a Victim of this type of Abuse?
The following link offers a list of traits survivors may experience. Start here to begin your investigation of all you have been or may still be going through: Esselman
3 Things You Will Never Get From The Type of Abuser Discussed On These Pages:
Closure * Amends * Honesty
It is important that survivors begin to let this fact sink in as it is the first step toward rebuilding a life, self and eventually, hope and belief in goodness once again. May you feel acknowledged and companioned by material on this site as you read on, and also by the many others who have come to understand and wish you strength as you move forward in your own healing.
To You:
This page is dedicated to all survivors of one of the most invisible and insidious forms of emotional abuse.
Under-reported, mis-diagnosed, calculatedly cruel, it is devastating to all who experience it.
Though there are many symptoms of this form of abuse, one of the hallmarks of being a survivor is: ongoing questioning of yourself, of your sanity, of your responsibility for what is or was going on in your intimate relationship, and perhaps even of your very existence.
LOUD AND CLEAR:
You exist, you are worthy of love, you are NOT crazy, and you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for the abuse. You can - and with diligence and compassion for yourself, you WILL - heal.
If it is early in your investigation of what took place in your relationship and life, of what actually happened to you, it may take time for all you are learning AND the truth in the statement above, to sink in; during this time be as kind and gentle with yourself as you are humanly able; treat yourself the way your abuser did not: with kindness and decency . .. (though they may have repeatedly told you they were treating you very well, and masked the abuse with false kindness, generosity, chivalry etc.).
The intensely high levels of stress you may be under currently and have likely been under for days, weeks, months or years of abuse, can wreak havoc on your immune system. Don't let the perpetrator win - practice the best self care you can muster. There are many, many ways to care for yourself. Here are a few of the most basic:
- Enlist a friend or two to check in on you regularly (twice a day at first, daily for as long as possible - maybe for some months to come)
- Take vitamins. (Ask your health care professional or pharmacist if you are not sure what is best for you.) Generally speaking, most people in high stress might do well to take your regular multi vitamin, 500-2000mg vitamin C, and B-Complex for stress. Once you determine what supplements are best for you, take them religiously. Choose gummy vites if it will motivate you to follow through...
- Consider making yourself do physical movement - even if it is just walking - every day. This shifts the adrenal cortisol effect so you are less tired from blood sugar imbalances that ongoing/flowing adrenaline can cause, and generates endorphins, and gets you outside. A small shift in your day may offer a speck of relief.
- If you have a pet/s, interact with them, hold them, let them lie upon your body; people with pets are less likely to get sick -- and pets fulfill your very human need to be touched every day.
- Also, in the rare moments you are free from that burning coal (or ice)-in-belly/rocks-on-chest feeling, consciously take deep breaths (adrenaline also decreases deep blood flow to organs). Give your organs these little breaks. (Breathing deeply is a good habit to be in anyway).
- Keep telling your body that it is good and right (it was the thing that knew all along while the other parts of us did our denial dances). Tell it you love love love it. Every speck of it. Even if you do not believe yourself right now, your subconscious can hear your words and is always listening for cues. . .
Here is an other thing that may, at this point, seem strange to you: Literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON I have interviewed, held casual conversation with, seen or read online on this topic, has agreed - in looking back at the abuse over time - that
IN YOUR DEEPEST, MOST AUTHENTIC SELF (something these perpetrators do not have),
ON THE DEEPEST LEVEL OF YOUR BEING, YOU KNEW THE TRUTH.
While your mind and heart may have struggled to "see the best" in your abuser, your BODY and your INTUITION KNEW. There has been (and always will be) a voice within your most authentic self that was whispering the truth to you.
There are many reasons survivors do not listen to the intuitive knowing - these will be discussed on other pages.
But you have woken up (or are in the process of doing so).
It is now time to begin - to the best of your ability - to
TRUST THAT KNOWING VOICE WITHIN YOU, AND THAT VOICE ALONE.
There are many out there who have experienced what you have been through - good, grounded, healthy, intelligent folk - and you will begin to find this community. You will begin to learn - through reading, watching, interacting with others - the truth that has been hidden from you. Lies may begin to stand out like the painful and ugly markers they are, helping you learn - over and over again, the real nature of the person who has harmed you. This learning, this lifting of your sight above the waters of the abusive relationship, the devastation of loss, the swirling confusion of the Gas Lighting, the questioning of your own sanity - this learning will be the beginning of your journey of true healing. It will likely entail some deep dives into your past (those of us who attract this type of abuse are not usually new to it; we were formed for it through the wounds of our childhood, just as the abuser was formed through theirs).
If you are newly unraveling the mystery of what happened to you,
you may be reviewing a thousand times the relationship you thought - possibly for years - was perfectly normal (...with, perhaps, a few - or, you now realize, maybe more than a few - outstanding quirks...),
but normal it was not.
You are not crazy - - you have survived a crazy situation with a person who has incredibly deep - and according to a majority of healing professionals - very likely unhealable - wounds.
Note:
It is suggested (by victims and therapists alike) that speaking about - attempting to explain - your ordeal be reserved for others who have been through this type of abuse or are experienced in working with those who have. Sadly, even our most well-meaning friends and family members may unwittingly engage in "victim shaming" by saying things such as "it was not that bad", seeing you as simply being highly sensitive to a "regular break up" or even being convinced by the abuser that it is YOU who is the problem in the relationship. Comments about relationship issues such as "it takes two" said to an abuse survivor, specifically survivors of this type of abuse, are particularly harmful. As well, many therapists and other healing professionals have not been properly trained in the effects, and victims may find themselves being wrongly diagnosed by well-intentioned helpers. (Some mental/emotional effects of this abuse, especially if victims are abused over long periods of time, can manifest as individually diagnosable illnesses, but to properly assist victims in healing from the effects of their wounds, therapists must see the larger picture and have a rich clinical and experiential knowledge of the breadth of damage done and the many aspects of the damage done.)
FEELINGS & BEHAVIORS REPORTED BY VICTIMS
upon discovery that they are being or have been abused, and in moving through the healing process
(Not everyone will experience all of these):
Embarrassment
Humiliation
Guilt
Shame
Self blame
Fear
Terror
Crawling out of skin
Frightening shortness of breath
Feeling "crazy"
Fear of loss of sanity
Fear of loss of memory
Confusion
Delusion
Belief you have lost your memory and/or mind
Intense anxiety
Adrenaline rushes
Inability to eat
Inability to sleep
Inability to speak to or be near other people
Terror
Inability to move body
Inability to take most basic care of self
Loss of hope
Loss of clear thinking
Incessant crying
Wanting to die
Wanting to disappear
Complete loss of Trust (in self, loved ones, Spirit/God/Universe)
Self hatred
Hatred of others
Hatred of perpetrator
Visions/Dreams of extreme violence
Wishing perpetrator dead
Wishing harm upon others involved in perpetrators Gas Lighting campaign
Switch from belief in good to belief in evil
Frustration to the point of wishing to break things
Self imposed isolation
Isolation imposed unintentionally by others who have not been through,
and thus do not understand, what you have been through
Anger
Rage
Fury
More rage
Sorrow
Grief
Despair
A need to mourn
Inability to mourn
Unable to cease mourning
Realization that one is affected by PTSD, C-PTSD
Gradual increased perception as one discovers the truth of one's abuse
Awe, amazement and confusion as you learn about the abuser's disorder
temporary obsession with learning about the abuser's disorder
deep dive into one's own unhealed wounds
beginning to share with others
Gradual discovery of an increase in community of those who GET IT
Gathering of support in holding the truth of what really happened
Understanding that you could not have fixed the abuser
Rebuilding of sense of sanity, health, ability to function
Tiny sense of hope as these things grow
Expulsion of any and all people from your life who have abusive tendencies
Self empowerment
Complete release from abuser and their "flying monkeys"*
Discovery of new talents, new likes, new abilities
Building of a new self
Generation of new life trajectory
Regeneration of early passions
Thriving
Living life more fully than ever before
**For a more detailed wander through the stages, please visit 13 Stages of the Journey
One more time, KNOW THIS:
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT; YOU WERE NOT and ARE NOT CRAZY
You can and will heal.
The painful feelings will come, go, and come again. But with each round, they will lessen and you will be another ounce more healed, another step closer to your new self.
YOU WILL HEAL.
But you will not be the same.
The rebuilt you will be someone and something you never knew before,
possibly someone you (and those who have known you) may not recognize.
But if you allow yourself to fall to the bottom of the pit, find good resources to assist you back up, and do the work of facing and mending your earliest wounds, the you that rises up from the ashes of this horrific form of abuse will be
THE BADDEST BADASS YOU
that you have ever known.
And just to be clear - the abuser did not harm you - their disorder did. In fact, their disorder destroyed them first - from an extremely early age, all hope was lost for them, their circumstances did not allow them to form as whole, healthy human beings; their wounds actually destroyed their humanity - and YOU, and all their other victims - are simply the byproducts or collateral damage of the ruined human beings they became and shall be, most likely for the rest of their lives.
If you are one of these abusers, you get no credit for our destruction, for sadly you yourselves are in far worse shape than any of us are; there is very little chance (based, primarily in the fact that you do not believe there is anything wrong with you) that you can heal.
Survivors, however (empaths and HSP's) - you shall heal if you put your mind and all your resources to it. Every Blessing to you on this journey.
*Flying monkeys is a pop term in use in the community of survivors and allies that refers to those people surrounding the abuser who have fallen prey to belief in their lies and (often) their victim-smear-campaign. These people will side with the abuser at all cost, either out of delusion or because they fear the abuser more than they admire the truth (as in the case of children siding with an abusive parent for fear of punishment, or in the case of someone who needs the abuser's approval for their own psychologically unbalanced reasons.)
If you are currently reeling from a recent round of the "Devaluation" phase of this type of abuse, or have been through the final "Discard" phase, you may have no idea what hit you. There are few things in this life on Earth that are as deeply damaging to the human psyche as what you have been through; do not let well meaning friends or family get to you when they say to you "it was just a break up, you'll get over it" or pressure you to "get out there and get back into dating - it will be good for you" or worst of all, to convince you that your abuser is "so wonderful" that you should go back to them...etc. What you have been through, if it is indeed this type of abuse, will be UNRECOGNIZABLE TO ANYONE WHO HAS NOT BEEN THROUGH IT, and in most cases no attempt to explain will truly be understood. In fact, folks who have not experienced what you have been through may, as mentioned earlier, engage - unintentionally - in "victim shaming", leading you to further question yourself, what happened, and what is true. In most cases, the abuser will appear the steady, kind and grounded one, while you, the victim, seem to be the confused emotional mess. . . take note: your abuser is counting on this, and, in most cases, they will use it to turn their Flying Monkeys (those who are still held in the abusers charismatic sway) against you.
I cannot emphasize this enough: FIND A COUNSELOR, THERAPIST, or best of all a SUPPORT GROUP that is specifically trained and/or geared to help those of us who have been abused in this way. Listen to the stories of others - you will be amazed at how similar these stories will be to your own and this will likely be both disconcerting and validating. Even in following a blog or vlog or two, you will likely find in the "comments" section a number of others who have been or are going through what you are dealing with. It is immeasurably heartening to learn that you are NOT crazy, you are NOT the dishrag your abuser attempted to make you believe you were (nor are you simply a wreck because someone broke up with you). And, importantly, do not give the abuser credit for how bad you feel; THEY DO NOT HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD - WHAT HAS HARMED YOU IS NOT THEM, BUT THEIR DISORDER. The abuser is, as you shall come to understand, a mere shell of a human being; their childhood wounds have disallowed any real character within them to form and they have become slaves to the disorder. No matter how much they believe they are in control, they are not. Your pain is the effect of their wound, and their hollow soul is the victim as well.
It is important, also, to get to look in the mirror, the reminder of the truth about what really happened to you, in the form of all your reading, watching and learning. It is easy - and often more comfortable - to fall back into the space in which you are crumbling, you are the "mess" and your abuser is the "normal" person. Research seems to say that our brain chemistry is ACTUALLY CHANGED when we are in this type of abusive relationship, (especially if it has been years or decades), and we have literally become chemically addicted to the abuse cycle and abuser, all beginning in the "Love Bombing" phase of the relationship (which is what the abuser counts on in order that they may keep extracting the adoration - in early stages - and the energy of our anxiety - in later stages - that they need and thrive on). Being free from the drug of the relationship is impossible if we cannot hold on to the truth of what REALLY happened (as opposed to what we wish happened, what we wish were true about our abuser). Thus, anything you can read or watch or anyone you can speak with who understands the deeply complex horror you are dealing with is useful on your healing journey.
The first lesson, and a horrible one for those of us who are deeply empathic or are HSP's (Highly Sensitive People) and who have always believed in healing and communication, is this:
THE FASTEST WAY TO HEAL IS TO INITIATE ABSOLUTE "NO CONTACT". (If you must have contact, for, say custody reasons, set this up through a 3rd party whenever possible.) Like with any drug, "just a little" is not workable, and only serves to keep the addiction alive or further the abuse. The abuser must, eventually, become non-existent for you. . . I know, this is almost unfathomable to compassionate people, (I myself am friends with every person I have ever been in a serious relationship with, why not this one? Because people with this particular illness cannot, by the very nature of the illness, change - most mental health experts agree that the vast majority, if not all, of these folks cannot heal); but this truth must become fathomable to you. In time, it will. And then, when you have accomplished the expulsion of the abuser from your body, heart, mind and soul/spirit, you will be new.
I will say what countless others before me have said, and has now been proven true to me:
YOU CAN HEAL FROM THIS; YOU WILL NOT BE THE SAME PERSON WHEN YOU GET THERE,
BUT YOU WILL ARRIVE, ON ANOTHER, SAFER BANK.
I wish you every grace on your journey.
Links related to this form of abuse:
CLICK HERE FOR LINKS
Potentially Interesting Lists
Note: The following list is from a blog post on Learning-Mind.com
(Visit the site for loads more posts on our subject and numerous others.)
Some abuser traits survivors may find familiar:
These are just a few of the behavioral characteristics associated with this type of abuser. Here is a second list:
(Visit the site for loads more posts on our subject and numerous others.)
Some abuser traits survivors may find familiar:
- Superficial charm. They can be glib and superficial, smooth talkers who engage an audience easily.
- Overinflated self-worth. They possess a grandiose opinion of themselves which leaves them self-assured and arrogant (in the case of coverts, this trait will be hidden under false humility).
- Easily bored. There is a constant need for risky behavior which leads them to take chances that others would not (or in the case of coverts, may simply result in their passive aggressive discontent) .
- Pathological liars. Lying comes as naturally to a them as breathing. They can manipulate and use deceit in order to achieve their goals.
- Con artists. Their goal is to get absolute power over their victim so they will defraud or con someone for their personal gain (ego, monetary, etc).
- No remorse. A complete lack of concern or empathy for their victims with a tendency to be unmoved, cold-hearted and dispassionate (except where it serves them in getting your attention).
- Shallow affect. They have a very low range of feelings (and/or difficulty recognizing them) and are unable to empathize with others as they cannot understand these emotions.
- Callousness. This lack of feeling towards other people allows them to act in a callous and cold way.
- Parasitic lifestyle. Many live off other people in a parasitic form (physically and/or emotionally), by ways of manipulation or exploitation.
- Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. They will always blame others for their predicament, and responsibility.
These are just a few of the behavioral characteristics associated with this type of abuser. Here is a second list:
- Feeling a grandiose sense of self-importance. They will exaggerate any small achievement, lie or deceive to make themselves look and thus feel like they are superior beings in some way (for coverts, this may be deeply hidden).
- Has fantasies that they are famous or The Special One. Overriding everything in a their world will be their fantasies of success, power or fairy tale visions of love with themselves as the object of attention.
- Convinced they are unique and special. Only other people of equal standing to them can ever understand them thanks to their high or special status in life.
- Require absolute devotion and admiration. They need a constant supply of compliments, adulation and attention otherwise they will soon become bored with you and discard you.
- A sense of entitlement. They do not believe they have to do anything to feel that they are entitled to have what they want (and state they deserve). They demand special treatment simply because of who they are.
- Cannot show empathy. They are completely unable to understand the feelings of others, though coverts may have learned how to seem as if they can and do.
- They move your relationship on really quickly
- They compliment you over and over again
- They flatter you by putting down others
- Your sex life is out of this world at first
- They have a lot of broken relationships behind them
- The conversation is always about them, even if they are speaking about you
- They may use impressive words that don’t make sense
- They are charitable if it favors them
- They will sulk for days and weeks
- They will often mimic your behavior in order to get close to you