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How We
Got That Way
Including:
How Abusers Got That Way, How Victims Got That Way,
Signs and Symptoms, Layers of Wounding, and Life as Mirror
How Abusers Got That Way, How Victims Got That Way,
Signs and Symptoms, Layers of Wounding, and Life as Mirror
First, Some Fun:
Click the link to take the Light Triad Scale test:
https://scottbarrykaufman.com/lighttriadscale/
to see where you fall on the Light/Dark Triad spectrum. (Answer as honestly as possible for best results AND, as with all online "tests", take results with a grain of salt!)
Read info on the "Dark Triad"
Narcissism - entitled self-importance (hidden in Covert Narcissism);
Machiavellianism - strategic exploitation and deceit;
Psychopathy - callousness and cynicism)
and the "Light Triad"
Kantianism - treating people as ends unto themselves, not mere means;
Humanism - valuing the dignity and worth of each individual;
Faith in Humanity - believing in the fundamental goodness of humans
READ IT HERE.
https://scottbarrykaufman.com/lighttriadscale/
to see where you fall on the Light/Dark Triad spectrum. (Answer as honestly as possible for best results AND, as with all online "tests", take results with a grain of salt!)
Read info on the "Dark Triad"
Narcissism - entitled self-importance (hidden in Covert Narcissism);
Machiavellianism - strategic exploitation and deceit;
Psychopathy - callousness and cynicism)
and the "Light Triad"
Kantianism - treating people as ends unto themselves, not mere means;
Humanism - valuing the dignity and worth of each individual;
Faith in Humanity - believing in the fundamental goodness of humans
READ IT HERE.
The above image came from a helpful facebook page where there are many more useful and accurate tips and bits to assist survivors on the healing path. To visit, CLICK HERE.
The Abuser: A Victim Themselves
Update - In a hurry? We just found this short, concise and informative video about how they got that way:
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde on Little Shaman.org's youtube station (lots more helpful videos there as well.)
Some characteristics of the abuser:
The list (compiled based on the lists of a number of survivors, counselors and psychology itself) is not, as most who have experienced this can attest, complete. Not every item on the list applies to all abusers. Yet this list does offer a general picture of what one can only see as a very wounded soul, and not a very nice one at that. But how did these abusers become what they are?
There are of late many, many articles, blog and vlog posts on this topic. There have been – and still are – differing theories to the answers to the question. There are those who believe these folks are born this way, and something just kicks in at a certain point in their lives and it begins to manifest. Far more believe that the disorder begins in early childhood, and this is the viewpoint of this writer. You are, of course, welcome to – and should – form your own opinion based on learning everything you are able to find on the topic. The material on this site is based on the following concept:
People with this disorder are formed, from early childhood, by self-absorbed parents or caregivers who are unable to facilitate normal growth and formation of a sense of self in their children. Children then form "false" or "invented" sense of self, based on behaviors that get them the attention they naturally crave for survival. Learning to "read" others in order to regurgitate back behavior the target/other seeks is the only form of interaction these children (and adults) are capable of engaging in. Anything that disturbs this false, performed ideal of self is seen as an enemy to be decimated at all costs. (Thus, Truth itself is experienced as an enemy and a danger by these folks.)
Healthy, or reasonably healthy caregivers are lovingly present for their infant, toddler and young children, are deeply responsive when those children reach out, interactive when they speak or cry or laugh, assist those young souls in experiencing themselves as worthy of response, supported in discovering and manifesting their dreams, and companioned as fellow human beings coming to know who they are, what they enjoy and are good at and how they might contribute that to society.
In the case of parents who are unable or unwilling to offer the above, infants – who know instinctively that they must have their caregivers love and attention to survive – will do whatever they must in order to remain in the good graces of those caregivers. So, for example, if one parent is rarely at home, is sexually abusing their children, narcissistically needs their children to see them as wonderful (and, perhaps, has a temper that shows itself if the children do not show enough “love” or “appreciation”), then the child will quickly learn that in order to be loved they must become what that parent needs them to be, rather than who and what they might actually have become in a healthier situation.
Let us say, also, that the other parent in this scenario is in constant emotional upheave due to their own original wounds coupled with first parent’s philandering, lying and narcissistic needs. This second parent can hardly get off the chair to care for their children. One child has become reclusive, one fiercely angry and another finds safety in invisibility… along comes yet another infant. Second parent has no steam left to engage properly with any of the children much of the time. Child number four learns quickly that they will be seen and responded to by parent #2 by, again, becoming what that parent needs; let us say in this example that that is to be “good”, reasonably quiet, stay near by when parent #2 is sad, make parent #2 laugh now and then, and keep away from older siblings who are spitefully jealous that new infant is getting parent #2’s attention for catering to parent’s needs. . .
What happens to this infant, toddler and then small child, is that they are getting an impeccable training in loss of self. They are engaged in graduate level emotional schooling in reading a loved one in order to decipher what looks, behaviors and words will get them the love they so need in order to survive. They become masters of mirroring, of “being good” (whatever that meant to them in the presence of their parents’ needs – in the case of a philandering parent #1, the need of #2 might be “a chivalrous knight”, thus locking in the child’s understanding of such a character as a part of their necessary, created identity), masters of taking in every nuance of an other person’s being, assimilating it, and re-calibrating their sense of self in reference to their love-supply (the one they feel, deep inside, that they cannot live without. . . and on one level they are correct, because as an infant, survival did depend on caregivers attention).
The combination of having had to spend all their energy, awareness and intention studying their love-supply, with having had their own development of self torn down, or simply not adequately supported in formation, has grown these children into beings who may actually have no accessible true self. Rather than developing a strong, core self, their deepest center is more of a frighteningly empty black hole of deeply unfulfilled (and unfulfillable) need, surrounded by a cobbled together cluster of ideas of who they wish to be and believe they must be in order to be loveable and loved in life.
As these children grow, along with deeply hidden, (and sometimes a growingly debilitating) lack of self-worth, an untraceable sense of impending doom, and sense of paralysis (many have a deep fear of spending time away from their families early in life, and later on will take only minimal steps toward goals in life), these people find it very difficult to feel or recognize their own painful feelings. Having spent their early years doing everything they could to avoid their “darker” feelings – so as to be seen as “good”, feelings of fear, despair and anger were swept under the rug whenever possible. Since being “good” meant being loved, and being loved meant survival, they began to see “bad” feelings – often especially anger – as literally life-threatening. Most would not be able to articulate this fear, but it can be witnessed in the extreme reactions later in life to being asked if they are angry. Often this will illicit a greatly oversized, triggered response of something like ‘NO, IM NOT ANGRY! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!” Or by their going to extremes to let you know that they are not angry at you, in the assumption that you, too, find anger a frightening and dangerous thing.
In one sense, these people have every right to be angry, and they ARE; their very souls were basically sucked out of them by the garden that grew them. Their caregivers made no space for their bright and creative souls to unfold, discover and build themselves. Their delicate new formation was not allowed, their growing creativity was not safe to explore. They grew physically, but in essence they were not allowed to grow as souls on this earth. So, yes, the denied anger that has grown in them for decades by the time they have sought you out, is massive – and subterranean, until, like lava that can no loner remain pressed under the cooler stones, it begins to bubble up.
But here is the catch, and why it is often believed that these folks cannot heal. The nature of this disorder is such that it is incapable of examining itself; since there is no self – in it’s place there is only a created self, a manufactured ideal of self which must be maintained at all cost (for, remember, not to be “good” – not to be the manufactured self – feels to these people like the threat of death on the fight-or-flight level), there is no one there to do the self-examination.
A person with this disorder may attempt therapy (usually because someone they are interested in as “supply” thinks therapy is a good idea), but will not actually seek to examine themselves beyond what they can do while “looking good”. That is, as a client, they will learn the lingo of self examination, but if that examination gets too close to something real (such as any idea, thought or feeling that mirrors to them that they might have aspects of themselves they would see as NOT good and perfect and wonderful and special), they will find a way to avoid it. They will instead bring issues to the therapy session over which they feel they have control and can gain the therapist’s approval by sharing. (An example, is a case in which the client would return home to their partner each week with comments like “Dr. Soandso said he is so proud of me. . .” for doing x,y, or z, or “Dr. Soandso says he thinks I did a really great job of . ." x,y or z. And yet when a real issue arose in the relationship or in the clients life, and their partner suggested taking this to therapy, the client blurted out “THAT IS NONE OF MY THERAPIST’S BUSINESS!!”. This would be expressed with disdain and anger – towards the partner who suggested it, and toward the therapist, but in fact what underlies such outbursts is terror of facing the horrific black hole within, that was so artfully created – and is so fiercely guarded - in order to survive.
It is important to note that the horror that these abusers have become is just that; a product of a soul’s attempt to survive. One of the reasons the majority of these abusers are found to be highly intelligent – and often extremely creative in their manipulations and cruelty - is that less intelligent children may not survive the kind of emotional abuse (and often other abuses as well) and abandonment that forms this disorder. Some victims of abusive/non-present parenting fall to drugs, dangerous prostitution, self-mutilation, other self-destructive behaviors or even suicide – but those with whip-smart and highly creative minds may put those minds to the creation of this complex form of survival. Becoming excellent readers of people, superior mimics, undetectable liars and manipulators – and integrating all of this into a designed self they believe will keep them safe in the world, takes an incredibly intelligent being. And yes, this makes them all the more dangerous to those they choose to target as their survival/love-supply.
For a really great explanation (of both abuser and abusee), take a look at Michele Lee Nieves Coaching video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0rFZDPYBOI&feature=youtu.be
Here is an interesting piece on why one child may become a codependent empath and another a cluster B type (narcissist etc): https://www.instagram.com/tv/B1WI-YlgSy6/
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde on Little Shaman.org's youtube station (lots more helpful videos there as well.)
Some characteristics of the abuser:
- High levels of insecurity, usually couched in false bravado (or, intermittently, actual belief that they have no self esteem issues)
- Secret inflated sense of self-importance (belief that they are special, different, worthy of special treatment)
- Low levels of empathy (may have learned false but believable empathic behavior)
- A sense of entitlement (anger if they do not get what they feel entitled to)
- Flip from overly sweet to subtly or overtly cruel (with no recognition of this as unusual)
- Arrogance and boastfulness (in coverts, this will be hidden or couched in false humility)
- Prone to belittling others (or outright disdain for others, especially those close to their target/supply person)
- An expectation of special treatment, followed by an angry or passive aggressive reaction if it’s not received
- Angry or exaggeratedly teary response to criticism
- Often have few possessions, few close friends, few connections to family
- May exhibit cruelty or unusually short temper with pets (or have a history of abandoning pets)
- Have little to no sign of past relationships in their current life (often speaks disparagingly of past partners)
- Fall into relationships at warp speed or move them along much faster than would normally be expected
- Quick to turn any inquiry into their motives onto the person asking
- Quick to express negative opinion about people (or ideas, desires, plans etc) that take your focus away from themselves
- Often difficulty at work or in other relationships (blame of others in work or social scenarios in their lives)
- Often the first to sing their own praises (“I am the most honest person you could ever meet”, “I am your knight in shining armor” etc. If you question this at some point, they may jump to their own defense rather than explore accountability)
- Often lacking in motivation, leadership, initiatory abilities (but fierce in defending their façade as someone who has these skills)
- Over time, change in behavior from public to private (displaying their “good side” to others, dropping into passive aggressiveness at home)
- Slowly and intelligently shifting from amazingly loving (in whatever way most pleases their target) to insidious devaluing of target
- Use of one or more forms of violence – from physical to gas lighting - intended to break down body, property, emotions, heart, lifestyle, relationships, mind, and/or soul of victim
- May or may not be conscious of their abuse in the early stages of it; conscious at least to some degree as abuse progresses (but likely to deny this if questioned)
- Uses non-responsiveness as a way of avoiding accountability
- Alternates between non-responsiveness and triggered outbursts when faced with accountability
The list (compiled based on the lists of a number of survivors, counselors and psychology itself) is not, as most who have experienced this can attest, complete. Not every item on the list applies to all abusers. Yet this list does offer a general picture of what one can only see as a very wounded soul, and not a very nice one at that. But how did these abusers become what they are?
There are of late many, many articles, blog and vlog posts on this topic. There have been – and still are – differing theories to the answers to the question. There are those who believe these folks are born this way, and something just kicks in at a certain point in their lives and it begins to manifest. Far more believe that the disorder begins in early childhood, and this is the viewpoint of this writer. You are, of course, welcome to – and should – form your own opinion based on learning everything you are able to find on the topic. The material on this site is based on the following concept:
People with this disorder are formed, from early childhood, by self-absorbed parents or caregivers who are unable to facilitate normal growth and formation of a sense of self in their children. Children then form "false" or "invented" sense of self, based on behaviors that get them the attention they naturally crave for survival. Learning to "read" others in order to regurgitate back behavior the target/other seeks is the only form of interaction these children (and adults) are capable of engaging in. Anything that disturbs this false, performed ideal of self is seen as an enemy to be decimated at all costs. (Thus, Truth itself is experienced as an enemy and a danger by these folks.)
Healthy, or reasonably healthy caregivers are lovingly present for their infant, toddler and young children, are deeply responsive when those children reach out, interactive when they speak or cry or laugh, assist those young souls in experiencing themselves as worthy of response, supported in discovering and manifesting their dreams, and companioned as fellow human beings coming to know who they are, what they enjoy and are good at and how they might contribute that to society.
In the case of parents who are unable or unwilling to offer the above, infants – who know instinctively that they must have their caregivers love and attention to survive – will do whatever they must in order to remain in the good graces of those caregivers. So, for example, if one parent is rarely at home, is sexually abusing their children, narcissistically needs their children to see them as wonderful (and, perhaps, has a temper that shows itself if the children do not show enough “love” or “appreciation”), then the child will quickly learn that in order to be loved they must become what that parent needs them to be, rather than who and what they might actually have become in a healthier situation.
Let us say, also, that the other parent in this scenario is in constant emotional upheave due to their own original wounds coupled with first parent’s philandering, lying and narcissistic needs. This second parent can hardly get off the chair to care for their children. One child has become reclusive, one fiercely angry and another finds safety in invisibility… along comes yet another infant. Second parent has no steam left to engage properly with any of the children much of the time. Child number four learns quickly that they will be seen and responded to by parent #2 by, again, becoming what that parent needs; let us say in this example that that is to be “good”, reasonably quiet, stay near by when parent #2 is sad, make parent #2 laugh now and then, and keep away from older siblings who are spitefully jealous that new infant is getting parent #2’s attention for catering to parent’s needs. . .
What happens to this infant, toddler and then small child, is that they are getting an impeccable training in loss of self. They are engaged in graduate level emotional schooling in reading a loved one in order to decipher what looks, behaviors and words will get them the love they so need in order to survive. They become masters of mirroring, of “being good” (whatever that meant to them in the presence of their parents’ needs – in the case of a philandering parent #1, the need of #2 might be “a chivalrous knight”, thus locking in the child’s understanding of such a character as a part of their necessary, created identity), masters of taking in every nuance of an other person’s being, assimilating it, and re-calibrating their sense of self in reference to their love-supply (the one they feel, deep inside, that they cannot live without. . . and on one level they are correct, because as an infant, survival did depend on caregivers attention).
The combination of having had to spend all their energy, awareness and intention studying their love-supply, with having had their own development of self torn down, or simply not adequately supported in formation, has grown these children into beings who may actually have no accessible true self. Rather than developing a strong, core self, their deepest center is more of a frighteningly empty black hole of deeply unfulfilled (and unfulfillable) need, surrounded by a cobbled together cluster of ideas of who they wish to be and believe they must be in order to be loveable and loved in life.
As these children grow, along with deeply hidden, (and sometimes a growingly debilitating) lack of self-worth, an untraceable sense of impending doom, and sense of paralysis (many have a deep fear of spending time away from their families early in life, and later on will take only minimal steps toward goals in life), these people find it very difficult to feel or recognize their own painful feelings. Having spent their early years doing everything they could to avoid their “darker” feelings – so as to be seen as “good”, feelings of fear, despair and anger were swept under the rug whenever possible. Since being “good” meant being loved, and being loved meant survival, they began to see “bad” feelings – often especially anger – as literally life-threatening. Most would not be able to articulate this fear, but it can be witnessed in the extreme reactions later in life to being asked if they are angry. Often this will illicit a greatly oversized, triggered response of something like ‘NO, IM NOT ANGRY! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!” Or by their going to extremes to let you know that they are not angry at you, in the assumption that you, too, find anger a frightening and dangerous thing.
In one sense, these people have every right to be angry, and they ARE; their very souls were basically sucked out of them by the garden that grew them. Their caregivers made no space for their bright and creative souls to unfold, discover and build themselves. Their delicate new formation was not allowed, their growing creativity was not safe to explore. They grew physically, but in essence they were not allowed to grow as souls on this earth. So, yes, the denied anger that has grown in them for decades by the time they have sought you out, is massive – and subterranean, until, like lava that can no loner remain pressed under the cooler stones, it begins to bubble up.
But here is the catch, and why it is often believed that these folks cannot heal. The nature of this disorder is such that it is incapable of examining itself; since there is no self – in it’s place there is only a created self, a manufactured ideal of self which must be maintained at all cost (for, remember, not to be “good” – not to be the manufactured self – feels to these people like the threat of death on the fight-or-flight level), there is no one there to do the self-examination.
A person with this disorder may attempt therapy (usually because someone they are interested in as “supply” thinks therapy is a good idea), but will not actually seek to examine themselves beyond what they can do while “looking good”. That is, as a client, they will learn the lingo of self examination, but if that examination gets too close to something real (such as any idea, thought or feeling that mirrors to them that they might have aspects of themselves they would see as NOT good and perfect and wonderful and special), they will find a way to avoid it. They will instead bring issues to the therapy session over which they feel they have control and can gain the therapist’s approval by sharing. (An example, is a case in which the client would return home to their partner each week with comments like “Dr. Soandso said he is so proud of me. . .” for doing x,y, or z, or “Dr. Soandso says he thinks I did a really great job of . ." x,y or z. And yet when a real issue arose in the relationship or in the clients life, and their partner suggested taking this to therapy, the client blurted out “THAT IS NONE OF MY THERAPIST’S BUSINESS!!”. This would be expressed with disdain and anger – towards the partner who suggested it, and toward the therapist, but in fact what underlies such outbursts is terror of facing the horrific black hole within, that was so artfully created – and is so fiercely guarded - in order to survive.
It is important to note that the horror that these abusers have become is just that; a product of a soul’s attempt to survive. One of the reasons the majority of these abusers are found to be highly intelligent – and often extremely creative in their manipulations and cruelty - is that less intelligent children may not survive the kind of emotional abuse (and often other abuses as well) and abandonment that forms this disorder. Some victims of abusive/non-present parenting fall to drugs, dangerous prostitution, self-mutilation, other self-destructive behaviors or even suicide – but those with whip-smart and highly creative minds may put those minds to the creation of this complex form of survival. Becoming excellent readers of people, superior mimics, undetectable liars and manipulators – and integrating all of this into a designed self they believe will keep them safe in the world, takes an incredibly intelligent being. And yes, this makes them all the more dangerous to those they choose to target as their survival/love-supply.
For a really great explanation (of both abuser and abusee), take a look at Michele Lee Nieves Coaching video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0rFZDPYBOI&feature=youtu.be
Here is an interesting piece on why one child may become a codependent empath and another a cluster B type (narcissist etc): https://www.instagram.com/tv/B1WI-YlgSy6/
The Victim: Possibly a Similar - Yet Different - Start
Some characteristics:
Abusers choose specific types as their supply targets. They are seeking certain qualities in their targets; we are not chosen randomly. People who are extremely open, warm, giving and forgiving, and who in some way appear to the abuser to be a step up for them in their sense of self; that is, they seek someone who, in their minds, either elevates their status, will be easily manipulated and/or will be willing to weather more than the average person. But how did we – who only ever loved the world – become all that they seek?
The majority of parents with the abuser’s disorder will raise children who become one of two things: disordered in the same way – OR – co-dependent “empaths” (an “empath” is a pop/new age term for a person who is extremely empathic) who become targets. What this means, if you are or have been a target/supply, is that is possible that one or both of your parents also suffered with the disorder your abuser does. In fact, co-dependent behavior is, in many ways, a similar, yet lesser, version of the hyper-awareness that abusers turn to when being raised in severely dysfunctional families. One main difference, though, is that the abuser’s dysfunction took them far from their feelings, while the co-dependent swayed towards hyper-feeling. The abuser veered a great distance from access to compassion for others (or never developed the ability), while some co-dependents rolled head-long into so much compassion for others that they (you) may have become what is called an “HSP” or Highly Sensitive Person, or went into one of the many lines of work that has you swamped in caring for others, often above and beyond the call of duty. (Not all HSP’s are co-dependent, people pleasers, nor are all co-dependents HSP’s.)
Many of us became hyper aware of the needs of others in response to our own needs being disregarded. An example: In one victim’s family of origin, she was sexually abused by one parent, and then emotionally abandoned by both (one did so by accident, the other horrifically and calculatedly by intention). This victim’s way of coping with what felt to her three year old self to be a soul-level annihilation, was to open her heart as wide as the universe and come to a place where she understood that each who had hurt her was only acting from a place of hurt themselves. This allowed her to experience love, if only flowing from herself towards others. She was seen for her ability to love so deeply and unconditionally throughout her life, and ended up working with death row inmates, child molesters and others deemed by society as “unlovable” or “irredeemable”. (Yes, this victim was me, Maya, author of this site.)
Because the survival skills developed in cases such as this are applauded in many societies – unconditional giving, forgiving, being of service, and other such virtues (and are traits especially lauded in women) – if these are our skill set it can be difficult to see what might be unhealthy about our way of being in the world. In my case, I would not unfold the deepest truths about my need for healing my co-dependence until I emerged from a recent relationship with one of the abusers we are discussing.
“Targets” or victims, of this type of abuse may have become as we are for the same reasons abusers became what they are; we were raised in dysfunctional homes.
Or, you may simply be an exceedingly kind, generous, compassionate, forgiving, and unconditionally loving person. You may have, as in my own case, made a bad choice at some point in your relationship with the abuser (such as my own choice to, “for her sake”, “turn off” my intuition, to allow her to find her own way to her feelings, and not feel like I was invading her privacy by knowing before she did what she was feeling). But the bottom line is that I made a wrong choice, which means I had (and have, on-goingly, like everyone of us on this planet does, if we are honest) work to do on myself. I gave away something I should not have given away. I gave away – for the sake of the abuser who had no sense of self – my thread to my own deepest self (my intuition), to make her more comfortable. A fully healthy person would never, ever, do such a thing. So, while anyone could become the target of these abusers, the majority of those of us who do, have some personal healing to do.
If you find yourself on the list of traits, and are not already, you might wish to begin some self-discovery – this can be done in solitude, one on one with a guide, in a group or in workshops. There is a lot out there for those who seek to heal. Search online, ask friends, visit our growing Links page, or feel welcome to reach out via email on our Contact page.
I am wishing you every blessing on this journey, because I can tell you from the other side,
THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE,
and while it may not be as pretty as the fairy tale, it is a whole lot safer, sturdier and ultimately, brighter.
- Extremely high levels of sensitivity to others
- Often high levels of insecurity, feelings of unworthiness
- Highly empathic
- Willing to accept, make excuses for, deny or otherwise tolerate dysfunctional behavior
- May hold beliefs such as “anyone can heal with enough love” or “beauty is everywhere, you just have to look for it”
- Appears to abuser as someone of status in comparison to themselves (could be traditional, such as being seen as wealthier, more powerful, more attractive, etc. or unusual, such as owns a vehicle the abuser gives status to, has chosen a lifestyle the abuser looks up to. . .)
- Often has many friends and people who depend on them
- May be ambitious, with a career they love and are passionate about
- May be a passionate person, expressing feelings with ease, and colorfully
- Takes on burdens for others, is a “helper”
- Is a nurturer, lover and bestower of kindness
- Is “always there for others”
- Puts other’s needs before their own
- May in some way be “on the fringes” or may be up front and central
- May have many plants or animals or a gathering of loyal friends and followers
- May own property, beloved objects, places, family to whom they are devoted (but will likely, in the course of relationship with the abuser, find themselves separated from)
- May have similar traits or qualities to abusers early caregivers
- Open hearted
- Exceedingly and excessively forgiving
- Is longing for love (the more romantic and “fairy tale” the better)
Abusers choose specific types as their supply targets. They are seeking certain qualities in their targets; we are not chosen randomly. People who are extremely open, warm, giving and forgiving, and who in some way appear to the abuser to be a step up for them in their sense of self; that is, they seek someone who, in their minds, either elevates their status, will be easily manipulated and/or will be willing to weather more than the average person. But how did we – who only ever loved the world – become all that they seek?
The majority of parents with the abuser’s disorder will raise children who become one of two things: disordered in the same way – OR – co-dependent “empaths” (an “empath” is a pop/new age term for a person who is extremely empathic) who become targets. What this means, if you are or have been a target/supply, is that is possible that one or both of your parents also suffered with the disorder your abuser does. In fact, co-dependent behavior is, in many ways, a similar, yet lesser, version of the hyper-awareness that abusers turn to when being raised in severely dysfunctional families. One main difference, though, is that the abuser’s dysfunction took them far from their feelings, while the co-dependent swayed towards hyper-feeling. The abuser veered a great distance from access to compassion for others (or never developed the ability), while some co-dependents rolled head-long into so much compassion for others that they (you) may have become what is called an “HSP” or Highly Sensitive Person, or went into one of the many lines of work that has you swamped in caring for others, often above and beyond the call of duty. (Not all HSP’s are co-dependent, people pleasers, nor are all co-dependents HSP’s.)
Many of us became hyper aware of the needs of others in response to our own needs being disregarded. An example: In one victim’s family of origin, she was sexually abused by one parent, and then emotionally abandoned by both (one did so by accident, the other horrifically and calculatedly by intention). This victim’s way of coping with what felt to her three year old self to be a soul-level annihilation, was to open her heart as wide as the universe and come to a place where she understood that each who had hurt her was only acting from a place of hurt themselves. This allowed her to experience love, if only flowing from herself towards others. She was seen for her ability to love so deeply and unconditionally throughout her life, and ended up working with death row inmates, child molesters and others deemed by society as “unlovable” or “irredeemable”. (Yes, this victim was me, Maya, author of this site.)
Because the survival skills developed in cases such as this are applauded in many societies – unconditional giving, forgiving, being of service, and other such virtues (and are traits especially lauded in women) – if these are our skill set it can be difficult to see what might be unhealthy about our way of being in the world. In my case, I would not unfold the deepest truths about my need for healing my co-dependence until I emerged from a recent relationship with one of the abusers we are discussing.
“Targets” or victims, of this type of abuse may have become as we are for the same reasons abusers became what they are; we were raised in dysfunctional homes.
Or, you may simply be an exceedingly kind, generous, compassionate, forgiving, and unconditionally loving person. You may have, as in my own case, made a bad choice at some point in your relationship with the abuser (such as my own choice to, “for her sake”, “turn off” my intuition, to allow her to find her own way to her feelings, and not feel like I was invading her privacy by knowing before she did what she was feeling). But the bottom line is that I made a wrong choice, which means I had (and have, on-goingly, like everyone of us on this planet does, if we are honest) work to do on myself. I gave away something I should not have given away. I gave away – for the sake of the abuser who had no sense of self – my thread to my own deepest self (my intuition), to make her more comfortable. A fully healthy person would never, ever, do such a thing. So, while anyone could become the target of these abusers, the majority of those of us who do, have some personal healing to do.
If you find yourself on the list of traits, and are not already, you might wish to begin some self-discovery – this can be done in solitude, one on one with a guide, in a group or in workshops. There is a lot out there for those who seek to heal. Search online, ask friends, visit our growing Links page, or feel welcome to reach out via email on our Contact page.
I am wishing you every blessing on this journey, because I can tell you from the other side,
THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE,
and while it may not be as pretty as the fairy tale, it is a whole lot safer, sturdier and ultimately, brighter.
Life As A Mirror
If you choose to embrace the view that what we carry within is mirrored to us in that which we encounter in the world around us, you can see the abuser not as an enemy, but as a manifestation or mirror of something you have carried inside you - and now that you can see that something, you have the power to heal it.
In the early stages of healing, studying and understanding the nature of what actually happened to you, who and what the abuser truly is, and revisiting all of this – is likely all you can focus on. And this stage is important. (Explore The 13 Stages page on this site.) Visit links and keep reading, listening, watching; eventually, however, you will come to learn what each of your fellow survivors will tell you:
THE ONLY PERSON TO FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON IS YOU.
When you have purged the abuser from your home, cells, heart, mind and spirit, it is time to rebuild. And, miraculously, as you see to the bottom of the pool of your own psyche, you will begin to rebuild what was decimated, mend what was broken. . . and, equally miraculously, you will begin to see the world around you reflect that growth. The people you are now connecting with are safe, trustworthy and also working on themselves. The things you do have a new level of worth to you. The life you are living becomes bright with a different kind of hope; finally, perhaps for the first time,
your life belongs to YOU.
You are on your way.
You are safe.
May the mirror of your life reflect back to you the strong and shining being you have always been. The goblet of love - that has been in your hand from the start - you still hold up; but this time, your Sword of Discernment is firmly and fiercely in your other hand. You are in balance.
In the early stages of healing, studying and understanding the nature of what actually happened to you, who and what the abuser truly is, and revisiting all of this – is likely all you can focus on. And this stage is important. (Explore The 13 Stages page on this site.) Visit links and keep reading, listening, watching; eventually, however, you will come to learn what each of your fellow survivors will tell you:
THE ONLY PERSON TO FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON IS YOU.
When you have purged the abuser from your home, cells, heart, mind and spirit, it is time to rebuild. And, miraculously, as you see to the bottom of the pool of your own psyche, you will begin to rebuild what was decimated, mend what was broken. . . and, equally miraculously, you will begin to see the world around you reflect that growth. The people you are now connecting with are safe, trustworthy and also working on themselves. The things you do have a new level of worth to you. The life you are living becomes bright with a different kind of hope; finally, perhaps for the first time,
your life belongs to YOU.
You are on your way.
You are safe.
May the mirror of your life reflect back to you the strong and shining being you have always been. The goblet of love - that has been in your hand from the start - you still hold up; but this time, your Sword of Discernment is firmly and fiercely in your other hand. You are in balance.