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As we approach what most of you consider the new year – 2020, that is – I am moved to reply to a number of emails I get via this site. Yes, I reply individually when I am able, but there are some questions and comments that are so common that I want to address them publicly. They are as follows:
1. Gaslighting 2. Withdrawal and Invisibility 3. Encounters with Abusers 4. Speaking Out I will address each of these, but first, my usual disclaimer (which is always offered to anyone I speak with, but I share it especially for survivors…). It is this: Remember, always, to read, listen, and take anything you encounter in through the filter of your deepest discernment! If something does not feel right for you, does not resonate with your deepest heart’s knowing, you are under NO OBLIGATION to take it as yours. Likewise, if you encounter a thing that feels right and true for you, let no one else’s truth deter you. Your greatest gift to yourself is to never again put anything above your own truth. Ok. That said, here we go. 1. Gaslighting. Gaslighting is probably the number one thing I get questions and comments about. For anyone new to the term, Google Dictionary says it succinctly: gas·light/ˈɡaslīt/ verb, gerund or present participle: gaslighting 1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. "in the first episode, Karen Valentine is being gaslighted by her husband" The term actually originated with the 1938 play called Gaslight (and 1940 & 44 films of the play), in which a man tries to make his wife believe she is crazy in order to cover his criminal activites. To elaborate, gaslighting is the wretched and calculated deception of a person to the point of – and with the intention of – making that person doubt their own sanity. Anyone who has been abused by a perpetrator of the sort we discuss on these pages has most likely been the object of gaslighting. The following is from Wikipedia: Theodore Dorpat describes two characteristics of gaslighting: that the abuser wants full control of feelings, thoughts, or actions of the victim, and that the abuser emotionally abuses the victim, discreetly, but in hostile, abusive, or coercive ways.[12] As described by Patricia Evans, seven "warning signs" of gaslighting are the observed abuser's:[13]
In a popular treatment, Elinor Greenberg has described three common methods of gaslighting:[14]
You can donate to support Wikipedia: https://wikimediafoundation.org/support/ There is a short article on Psychology Today website that may also be of use as you discern and weed out what has been done to you. As the article says (and so important to remember so you do not put yourself down further: Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting): https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting Here is a video I find useful. It is by of Meredith Miller of Inner Integration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qGhTiIL5Yc What I want most to say to my readers is, as Meredith Miller says, “Gaslighting is CRAZYMAKING.” There is NOTHING wrong with YOU – a very wrong thing was DONE to you, but not because you are weak or stupid – it was done to you because you were open hearted, kind and became the target of a person who is heartless and cruel, one who is psychologically damaged and unfixable. (See How We Got That Way for more on what makes us targets for these abusers.) Your GOODNESS made you the target, the person off of which the abuser needed to siphon a sense of goodness for themselves. When your own light became diminished by the vampire abuser, they moved – or will move – on to a new source. You, not knowing what hit you, may be reeling now, but fear not, you WILL rebuild yourself. A better, stronger, safer version of yourself. This site is here to companion you, as are the many others referenced in our LINKS pages. Make use of these, and hold on. You are worth it. 2. Withdrawal and Invisibility The desire to withdraw even further from life (for most of us abused in this way will already have been slowly but surely withdrawn from the world, friends, family, sources of joy and healing, for this is the intention and one of the focuses of the abuser) is part of the effect of the abuse you have suffered. I state this because almost across the board every person who writes to me mentions this with some concern. “I no longer want to engage in anything.” “I have no desire to be around anyone anymore.” “I do not want to be in the public eye, and so have given up my career.” “I hate people now, and I used to love them.” These (and more) are all common things I read and hear from survivors. I, myself, could say or have said any one of the things listed above. Here is the thing; for most of us, it took years, if not decades, to reduce us to such a diminished state. . . it is perfectly OK if it takes a while for us to return to balance and wellbeing. It took a very focused abuser all this time to get us where they wanted us – it is imperative that we enlist the assistance of as many people as possible to restore us to ourselves. And this: It is OK to remain inward for a while! The desire to hibernate, to disappear from the world while we mend ourselves is natural, and even a healthy part of the mending process. However, I strongly suggest that survivors chose at least one healing professional or sturdy confidant (preferably more than one – say, a friend and a therapist, spiritual director or other trained helping practitioner) to remain in touch with while you are in hibernation mode. Part of the healing IS RECONNECTING with the human race. . . rebuilding lost friendships and relationships that are supportive and reciprocal – and yes, I know, the issue here is that no one seems trustworthy. But in fact, there are a few trustworthy souls out there wandering about. And you must have at least one by your side. To go it 100% alone is dangerous – first, it is isolation your abuser likely sought to inflict upon you – do not let their illness win; rejoin humanity. Second, the depths of the dark can be as life-sucking as the abuser is; travel with another can be life saving. Third, Though it may be difficult, reaching out is going to be one of the most important things you do on your path to healing. You do NOT have to SHINE, or put yourself all over social media, or even excel at your work – or anything else for that matter. You can chose to remain quiet, but only if this is out of JOY, and not sorrow. If you are in sorrow, or rage, or any other shadow emotion, this is evidence that more healing is needed. Reach out. 3. Encounters with Abusers Yet another much asked question is: What do I do if I encounter the abuser (or their flying monkeys*)? There is an enormous amount of information out there these days on this topic. (Just try Goodling or youtubing “Flying Monkeys Narcissism”.) However, I will condense this here to one simple answer: DO NOT ENGAGE. This may be the single most difficult thing to do, because in relationships with normal healthy people, communication is key to healing, and also because we have so very much rage and pain that rightly might be directed at the abuser. However, you must remember that the abuser is NOT who you thought they were. They are in fact not whole people at all. They are like sharks, constantly in need of feeding on new supply and moving on to the next after that. There is no heart, no compassion, not even a true ability to feel emotion; there is only the shell of a human being (again, see How We Got That Way), who is not capable of hearing your pain or rage. What they WILL do if you express these things to them, or if you express ANYTHING AT ALL to them, is drink in the energy you put out, and catalogue it in their broken souls as you, still being obsessed with them. They will take it as points for their falsely inflated egos. It is extremely frustrating because one of the most healing things one can do in abuse healing is speak out. But in the case of this type of abuser, truly, the best thing you can do both for yourself and to NOT feed the abuser, is to do your utmost to completely forget them.. . so that when you encounter them or their team you walk right by, not noticing them at all. This empowers you and keeps them from using you as a way to puff themselves up. You will never get closure from these folks, so do not waste your preciously rebuilt energy trying. My prayer for you is that you never, ever encounter your abuser or their peeps, but that if you do, you do not recognize them at all, inwardly or outwardly. Blessings, dear survivors. You can do this. *Flying Monkeys – this is a term used to refer to the people around the abuser who do their bidding; assist in lying to you, perpetrate the abusers smear campaign against you etc. 3. Speaking Out As mentioned above, speaking out after any kind of abuse is incredibly important and powerful. In so many ways, survivors are often SILENCED during abuse and even afterwards. Reclaiming our voices is key to rebuilding a sense of self, self worth, and the ability to be present with others going through similar things. However, in the case of this type of abuser, we have two very big deterrents to using our voices. One of these is, as described in point #2, is the fact that we must not in any way feed the abusers need for supply; we must not feed them our blood. The second is also described elsewhere on this site, and is the very sad fact that anyone who has not been through this type of abuse, or studied it very intensely (outside of a degree in psychology, where the topic is not adequately covered), CANNOT HEAR OR UNDERSTAND what you have been through, and therefore will likely subject you to victim-shaming, unintentionally. (I myself experienced - and to some degree still experience - this with family members, friends and therapists. Do not take this personally! This type of abuse is close to impossible to comprehend if one has not been through it and your loved ones are doing their best, even when it sucks! But shield yourself from the added pain that comes from victim shaming but only sharing with those who get it!) THUS it is my (and many others’) recommendation that you chose very carefully the people you will share with. You may find practitioners on our Links page (https://unbamboozling.weebly.com/helpful-links.html ), by scrolling down to the section titled: Therapists, Counselors, Other Helpers. You can also, if you are not feeling ready to reach out to a live person, post your experience and questions on youtube, blog and other website comment sections – you will find an amazing community of helpful, trustworthy people who will validate your experience and hold you in love. Finally, I want to reiterate this: I myself had many, many helpers along the way to healing. One of the most helpful was that I was in the final stages of my master of divinity degree as a hospice chaplain and ended up changing my final project to the subject of this type of abuse, and recovery from it. Interviewing many, many people on the subject, working with amazing, knowledgeable, and compassionate professors, and doing hundreds of hours of research, became not only my learning platform but a fast track out of the woods. Study is not for everyone, but if you are inclined, I suggest digging in – read and watch and listen to everything you can on the subject. Again, you can start with our LINKS page in the drop down menu, as a jumping off point for your exploration. Trust nothing more than you trust your newly rebuilding intuition; it knows what is right and true for you. I love you from afar, simply for our shared experience. Be Well, dear Survivors. Maya
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