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Hi Erica, You were the couples therapist my ex and I saw many years ago, and I reached out to you a time ago when I was reeling from the break up. Now a good time later, I have come to understand what actually took place and wanted to update you, both for my own sanity and in case this information may be of use to you (I know it may not - take what serves, leave what does not.) I had two choices from the place I was in at the start of my final semester in my MDiv program - one was to drop out (I was drowning) and the other became to change my entire thesis and make it about what I was going through and had finally realized about my ex and our relationship. She was not, as you had hoped, just a scared person who lied to cover her fear of hurting me; that would have been a very lovely story - and one much easier to come to terms with. In fact, it turned out that she has a severe and frightening disorder, and I had been - for 7 years - the victim of a very particular and horrible type of abuse. The point for me, of course, has been to use what I have learned (through hundreds of hours of research, study, interviews and more - under the amazing supervision of several of my fabulous professors and assistance from my spiritual director and psychotherapist) to examine more deeply my own psyche, why I was chosen by - and remained with - an abuser of this sort for 7 years. The arrows, of course and as you know, point back in time and the work for me has been deep and intense. Having the intellectual learning as a guide rail to keep me afloat as I simultaneously did my own psychological journey was a gift many survivors do not have the luxury of. (I am eternally grateful to my professors/supervisors/therapists etc. for their willingness to allow me the thesis switch at the last minute when I had planned for three years on an entirely different project.) Sadly (and strangely), the majority of psychotherapists are NOT trained to recognize abuse of this type - I saw three, including yourself, who did not catch wind of what I was actually dealing with - and so most of the assistance to survivors who are lucky enough to find it comes from others who have been through the abuse themselves, found their way to the new glut of information out there (internet, books, etc), and educated themselves in the thing. The amount of time it takes to learn all of this is immense, and thus many who have done so go on to become counselors of one sort or another in order to make use of their knowledge and experience for the healing of others. Many, many survivors are misdiagnosed by well meaning therapists who have little to no training or experience with the disorder or it's effects on survivors. This is terribly sad. My hope is that the many who are now sharing on the topic will inspire more counselors/therapists to do some research and/or study on the subject. My ex not only abused me, but also her other partners (while I am sad for them about this, I am infinitely grateful to have had access to this knowledge, because ultimately it helped me through the phase in which I wanted to pretend it was not true); I happen to know each of them and something of their stories as well - both those which my partner lead me to believe about each of the women, AND the women's versions. One of her ex's actually warned me - she blurted out the truth decades ago (long before I was interested in my ex), and told me "she will do the exact same thing to you!" I was - as everyone who has not been abused by one of these folks is - oblivious (and, like so many people are by these types) snowed by my ex's presence and charm. I do not fault you for being one of those, however, I want to share this with you and implore you to be super aware as you proceed in your work. All is not as it seems. While statistically the majority of folks with my ex's disorder are men, there are also women perpetrators (or perhaps fewer abused men come forward in these cases so women have not been counted). These perpetrators are all but invisible to most people until you learn to spot the dynamics - and have a chance to see them in action, which is rare, as part of the disorder is focused on maintaining an impeccable image of themselves. In fact, lawyers are taught specific ways of questioning these folks in a court room so as to circumvent their ability to appear to be the "sane" one while their partner appears to be "the problem". (I'll not go into this here.) One of the most difficult aspects of overcoming the depth of harm done to survivors, is that there is no short way of answering the question "what did they DO?" so survivors are more isolated from friends and family than those who can say "He raped me" or "she hit me with a baseball bat" and thus be understood and find sympathy. What is called for is a 12 hour long conversation in which survivor shares every nuance of the relationship over however many years or decades (I learned at a week long workshop that many, many survivors do not get out of these types of relationships for decades 10,20, 30, 40 years is common!), a description of the psychological make up of the perpetrator, how and why they got that way, the psychological make up of survivor, how and why they got that way etc etc... if an ally is willing to hear all this, at the end they may - may - understand a speck of what the survivor has been through. But for the most part, those who have not been through it cannot fathom it and end up seeing the survivor as "just having a weirdly hard time of the break up". I cannot fault allies for this point of view - in fact I myself held this viewpoint when two dear friends of mine attempted to describe what they had been through to me some years back. I saw them as very hurt, having a particularly hard time getting through their break up, but I did not, even with my empathy and rich training, understand what had truly taken place. TV shows like Dr. Foster, You, and Dirty John (have a look at the trailers) all address abusers of this sort and portray aspects of the disorder very well, but are extreme cases. My abuser was not ever actively violent with me (though I do not doubt her ability to become so - her temper was terrifying and utterly out of her control). What I want to say is: Please, please PLEASE become informed so you might spot this type of abuse should it ever again end up on your couch. I came to you for assistance in breaking up with my ex. The type of therapy you practice is not designed this way, I know - it is designed to facilitate communication and assist couples in seeing themselves - indeed, every relationship is a perfect mirror for what each member needs to look at in their own healing - - however, it is not always best for couples to remain together for this work. After we left you, the relationship lasted 5.5 more years - years of horror couched in beauty. I have, in fact, lost 7.5 years of life to something I will be working to heal from for a time to come. If somehow it had been evident that something much more serious was afoot, I might have gotten out sooner. Maybe not, but likely so. If this note can be even a molecule of an impulse for you to learn more, and thus be available to another person in my situation, I would be glad. The frightening diagnosis - so deeply and intelligently hidden by these abusers - that I would hope you might explore further (no matter how much you may or may not already know) is named in the Links listed on this site. However you do this - if indeed you chose to - hurrah. If you need a place to start, here are some links for books, videos, blogs and vlogs (all designed for survivors - but perhaps that is a good place for a therapist to start): https://unbamboozling.weebly.com/helpful-links.html Thanks for taking the time to read all this. I hope and trust you are well and reasonably happy. Warmly, Maya
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